As a mother I'm lost, fed up, tired and frustrated. These kids have not gone a week since Christmas from one or the other being sick. I can't do this anymore and the only end I seein sight would be for me to stop working and stay home with them full time. As much as I would love to do that I don't know if we can swing it. Where there is a will there is a way I know, I know.
I want to bang my head on the wall when the signs show that either of them are feeling under the weather. Not to mention that I'm not feeling well myself but no time for me only time for the kids. What am I do wrong? Is there anything that would help them get better and STAY better? Please someone tell me there is hope!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Subchronic Bleed
I was hoping to get through this pregnancy without complications but thats a no go. Spent a few hours in the hospital yesterday morning and though baby is doing great they spotted a subchronic bleed. So far from what I have read it can go away in a few weeks and I may be on bedrest until then depending on what my Dr says.
Not quite sure how I'm going to do bedrest with small children but if need be I'll find a way. Off to go lay down now.
Not quite sure how I'm going to do bedrest with small children but if need be I'll find a way. Off to go lay down now.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
The Days Pass
It seems so wrong to continue on without you. I know that life will continue and I know your here but I haven't figured out that its okay to allow joy back in. I miss you so and it seems so wrong to enjoy anything while I'm hurting for you.
The memories are what I have left and I pray to God that thoes will never fade and years from now I can recite your stories to my children as if you were right there telling me those same stories all over again. You know the ones I always asked you to tell me when it was just you and I on spring break? Those are so special to me and those times mean so much to me.
Having you there to raise me ment so much, you love, your words, your hugs, your time and best of all your beautiful smile; the smile you gave me as we spoke for the last time on the 3rd floor of the hospital. I kept telling you how good it was to be able to talk with you again and hear your quiet voice. It was a very short visit due to Andre being sick and I'm so sorry for that. I wanted so bad to be able to sit and talk with you more.
I'm sorry I never told you how I felt before. There were many times when I thought to myself I should tell you how much you ment to me but the words never came out right. What I would give to have you before me for just enough time to tell you. In God's time that will happen I know and until then I hope your listening every night before I go to bed.
I hope your journey was short and you were able to walk with Him and enjoy Him for as much time as you needed. You deserve to be with the Lord, your an Angel now but you sure were and Angel here on earth thats for sure. I love you.
The memories are what I have left and I pray to God that thoes will never fade and years from now I can recite your stories to my children as if you were right there telling me those same stories all over again. You know the ones I always asked you to tell me when it was just you and I on spring break? Those are so special to me and those times mean so much to me.
Having you there to raise me ment so much, you love, your words, your hugs, your time and best of all your beautiful smile; the smile you gave me as we spoke for the last time on the 3rd floor of the hospital. I kept telling you how good it was to be able to talk with you again and hear your quiet voice. It was a very short visit due to Andre being sick and I'm so sorry for that. I wanted so bad to be able to sit and talk with you more.
I'm sorry I never told you how I felt before. There were many times when I thought to myself I should tell you how much you ment to me but the words never came out right. What I would give to have you before me for just enough time to tell you. In God's time that will happen I know and until then I hope your listening every night before I go to bed.
I hope your journey was short and you were able to walk with Him and enjoy Him for as much time as you needed. You deserve to be with the Lord, your an Angel now but you sure were and Angel here on earth thats for sure. I love you.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Fly~Celine Dion
At 8:00 am my beautiful Grandma took her last breath. Quietly she slipped away before our eyes into the heavens above. Happy, safe and pain free she can now enjoy the rest of her life in her mansion with my Grandpa. I love you Grandma, I know that your holding my two little ones now that we never got to meet. Hold them tight for me and enjoy them.
Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again
Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet
Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget
Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light
Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again
Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet
Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget
Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Dear Grandma
I pray you go in peace, and see all those waiting for you that love you. I don't know who you were talking about being in the room with you that was "watching over you" but I like to think that's the Angel waiting to take you Home. As we sat with you today all three of us smelled smoke and we all agree that Grandpa is there with us waiting for you to let go and come with him.
You are a beautiful person with a wonderful heart. You have given so much of yourself that you are and Angel on earth. You may not have birthed me but you were my mother be every other meaning. You made me feel special when my own mother made me feel like I was nothing.
Thank you for teaching me to tie my shoes and sitting with my watching the cars go by waiting for dad to come home. Thank you for keeping me every spring break and come up early to see my dance recitals and leaving late to stay for my birthday. Thank you for picking flowers and veggies with me out of the garden and allowing me to eat them as soon as I picked them. Thank you for making mud pies with me and swinging on the swing set and walking on the beach looking for shells and sand dollars. I'll never forget the amount of money you could find in the parking lot or the firm but loving voice you used when I needed it. The candy and gum you used to keep in your purse always seemed like it was there just for me.
You have played a HUGE part in my life and for that I will always be grateful. You cried with me when I lost my first child as though you were losing it too. I never told you how much that meant to me. The first maternity shirt, the baby blanket, the photo album and the crib are all things that a price can't be put on for the fact that you bought them and you accepted me when it felt like the world was against me.
I love you and I know that you will be with me through the rest of my journey, though it will be different I will still turn to you when I need you the most. Thank you so much.
You are a beautiful person with a wonderful heart. You have given so much of yourself that you are and Angel on earth. You may not have birthed me but you were my mother be every other meaning. You made me feel special when my own mother made me feel like I was nothing.
Thank you for teaching me to tie my shoes and sitting with my watching the cars go by waiting for dad to come home. Thank you for keeping me every spring break and come up early to see my dance recitals and leaving late to stay for my birthday. Thank you for picking flowers and veggies with me out of the garden and allowing me to eat them as soon as I picked them. Thank you for making mud pies with me and swinging on the swing set and walking on the beach looking for shells and sand dollars. I'll never forget the amount of money you could find in the parking lot or the firm but loving voice you used when I needed it. The candy and gum you used to keep in your purse always seemed like it was there just for me.
You have played a HUGE part in my life and for that I will always be grateful. You cried with me when I lost my first child as though you were losing it too. I never told you how much that meant to me. The first maternity shirt, the baby blanket, the photo album and the crib are all things that a price can't be put on for the fact that you bought them and you accepted me when it felt like the world was against me.
I love you and I know that you will be with me through the rest of my journey, though it will be different I will still turn to you when I need you the most. Thank you so much.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Enjoying the beautiful weather!
Wow how blessed have we been with this absoultly beautiful weather these last two days! As soon as it gets a bit warmer the kids and I will be back outside soaking up the sun. I have some pics of the kids yesterday at the park that I'll post at the end of this blog. They had a blast in the sun and grass(that needs to be a bit greener ;) )
The day was perfect yesterday. Family pics in the morning and then home for a much needed nap on all of our parts(only two made it) then it was off to the park. Mike, I and the kids must have had the same idea as the rest of Jackson because it sure was packed at Cascades. We found our own little peice of paradice, kicked around a ball, threw a football and blew some bubbles.
After the park we stopped at DQ and got a tasty treat, headed home, tooks some much needed baths and off to bed without a peep from them until 7 this morning! Just how I like it.
Photobucket is being pissy today so I'll get the pics up asap.
The day was perfect yesterday. Family pics in the morning and then home for a much needed nap on all of our parts(only two made it) then it was off to the park. Mike, I and the kids must have had the same idea as the rest of Jackson because it sure was packed at Cascades. We found our own little peice of paradice, kicked around a ball, threw a football and blew some bubbles.
After the park we stopped at DQ and got a tasty treat, headed home, tooks some much needed baths and off to bed without a peep from them until 7 this morning! Just how I like it.
Photobucket is being pissy today so I'll get the pics up asap.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
A Path
I'm trying to find a path for myself and I seem to stumble quite a bit. I've noticed that life is/has been a long winding path with bumps, stumbles, boulders, forks and dips and though I thought I was doing well I seemed to have stumbled again.
I pray, for my friends, family, those that I don't even know and those that may come into my life and myself. I do believe that through rough times or times of stumbling prayer and faith will get you through to the better, brighter times. Though life seems to be going okay for the most part I always seem to falter in the friendship area and this is something I've never been able to figure out. I have wonderful friends, friends that have been there for me through thick and thin. Friends that have been there for me through the thick of 25 years, but I feel as though I falter. I would love to be close with more people, I would love to see the friends for dinner on a regular basis and yet I stumble.
I've always been the person who makes her friends her family since I don't really have any siblings and yet I feel as though I don't even have time for family anymore. I guess that most of that is falter on my part for not making the effort but I'm truly bothered by this.
This path has been long, heavy traveled, tiring, winding, confusing and yet wonderful at times. I will continue to pray about this, I'm just tired.
I pray, for my friends, family, those that I don't even know and those that may come into my life and myself. I do believe that through rough times or times of stumbling prayer and faith will get you through to the better, brighter times. Though life seems to be going okay for the most part I always seem to falter in the friendship area and this is something I've never been able to figure out. I have wonderful friends, friends that have been there for me through thick and thin. Friends that have been there for me through the thick of 25 years, but I feel as though I falter. I would love to be close with more people, I would love to see the friends for dinner on a regular basis and yet I stumble.
I've always been the person who makes her friends her family since I don't really have any siblings and yet I feel as though I don't even have time for family anymore. I guess that most of that is falter on my part for not making the effort but I'm truly bothered by this.
This path has been long, heavy traveled, tiring, winding, confusing and yet wonderful at times. I will continue to pray about this, I'm just tired.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Grandma
We almost lost her today. She is hanging on, but she is tired, she is scared to close her eyes for fear she won't wake again. I hate this, I wish she wasn't afraid to go Home. I pray that God gives her the strength and courage to be ready to go Home. She has lost so much weight, and is so weak. The hospital is no place to live the rest of your life, she would be so much happier Home with Grandpa.
Please pray for her.
Please pray for her.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Week 9
Hm well the weeks sure have seem to move along, I know I missed last week but well it just wasn't a good week. Morning sickness is off and on and when its on it sure is on. As you seen in the last few posts the u/s went well, the beautiful heartbeat showed up plain as day. I think the big sigh I let out went at the same time as Mike's did. He was a bit disapointed as he was hoping for twins but I'm thankful LOL. After the pg I had with Kaleb I'm hoping for an easy one this time around.
Speaking of Kaleb, this poor guy can't catch a break in the sickness area. He started with the 24 hr flu and now he is sneezing with a temp at night of 103. During the day he seems to be full of spirits once the fever breaks but until then he is cuddly and sleepy. Hopefully it passes soon, and as the weather gets warmer I pray the bugs find there way out.
Speaking of Kaleb, this poor guy can't catch a break in the sickness area. He started with the 24 hr flu and now he is sneezing with a temp at night of 103. During the day he seems to be full of spirits once the fever breaks but until then he is cuddly and sleepy. Hopefully it passes soon, and as the weather gets warmer I pray the bugs find there way out.
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