Turning 1

I'm not ready for this, not at all, what so ever. I want to stick my heals into the ground and push away from the date coming up as hard as I can. Anxiety is setting in, along with worrying of what is to come. He is my precious baby who is always happy and loves me to no end, he still needs me and wants me and the way his face lights up when he sees me fills my heart with so much joy. He is beautiful and perfect, full of wonderment and joy, innocent and loving, he is perfect. I don't want this to go away, I don't want his innocents to fade. I'm struggling with this.

I'm dealing with toddlerhood now and I don't want to, I don't like this stage, Andre never seems happy anymore and I don't like that. Andre used to be full of joy and happiness but now he is uncertin and trying to find his way through this world and its taking a toll on him, as it does anyone.

We birth these beautiful, perfect little human beings but we don't realize that, thats exactly what they are human and they at one point or another become themselves, spread their wings a bit and begin to practice flying. Then one day out of now where they can fly, and navigate this world without us. How does that happen? Can't they stay little, and perfect, and happy and naive forever?

Time goes so fast and its not fair, I give anything at night for a few more minutes of cuddle time with a sleeping baby, whos breath is so sweet on my neck and his body is so warm on mine. Its just not enough and its just not fair.

Close Friends?

Do you and your dh/so have other couples that are close to you? I don't mean like bestfriends but couples that you can go out and do things with or have over for dinner and play some cards? We don't and I really wish we did. I would really like if we could find a couple that had kids too so that our kids could play together, plus if you find a couple that doesn't have kids they don't really know whats its like and often don't adjust well KWIM? Anyway the point is I wish we had this, I think it would be fun getting together on the weekends, kind of creating your own little family ya know?

Cute pictures-For you Kathy

Worst Mommy Award

I walked into Kaleb's room today to find the box of baby suppositories on the floor and two of them laying across the room. I pick the one up to find that the orange tip is pulled off and the tip was chewed on and the liquid GONE I panic. Andre comes in the room and I ask who ate it and he says Kaleb (WONDERFUL). The second one is still full but the cap is off and has been chewed on.

I pick them up call my MIL at the doc office to which they call me back with number to poison control. So I call them only to get a Lady who I can hardly understand(WONDERFUL) who says from what I can catch between her accent, the dishwasher going, the washer going, Kaleb whining and Andre talking, she says that he should be fine instead of him taking it in the bottom he just took it orally so watch for cramping pains and lots of loose stool. So the panic slows now but I'm still worried that something horrible will happen.

Had to call my step mom because when she bought them for me months ago I remembered her taking some for my cousins baby. Luckily she did so I didn't have to worry about him eating the plastic thing.

Now if that doesn't warrant a call to CPS this probably will. I had taken a picture of Kaleb's butt rash to show to a few of my online friends and to get their opinions well me not thinking, I loaded them to photobucket, posted the pic to them and when I went on today to load more pics photobucket deleted that picture because it was against guidelines. So now that I feel like a dirty mom I'm sure CPS will be knocking on my door thinking I'm a sicko who is trying to poison her poor baby.

God willing I will get through this.

Dear Lady Who Works In My OB Office

Time and time again I come in, I'm more then polite to you and have never asked for anything more then the same, but yet you seem to think that you own the place and can do and say as you please. This by far rubs me the wrong way and I have prayed for you though I'm beginning to think that God is quite busy because your demeanor has yet to change.

The first time you were way out of line is when you made it totally clear that you didn't want to deal with people who "think they are miscarrying". First of all I'm not sure you have any clue what that feels like to someone who wants their baby more then you could ever imagine wanting anything in your entire life. Second of all its quite traumatic and you should try having a heart sometime, who knows it might do you and others some good.

The second time I called to talk to the doctor, you were beyond rude and wanted to know what I wanted by asking just that "What do you want". My response to you was I can't walk and I'm 35 wks pg, what am I supposed to do? Your response was "I still don't understand what you want from him". So I hung up on you left for labor and deliver come to find out my uterus was about to rupture from my old c-section scar and they took my baby a month early over what you thought was nothing and I didn't need to talk to the doctor. Nice.

Now I'm not mentioning any of the office visits here where you treated me like I was complete scum and you had no time for me or the times you decided that YOU were the doctor and could tell me how to proceed. Ummm I don't believe you have been to Med school for years on end and I don't think you have that big office in the back with all of your degrees on the wall and I don't believe that people pay you to deliver their children or preform surgery on them. I also don't believe that anyone in their right mind at any point would ever pay you for that anyway considering your attitude.

So in closing this letter I would just like to know what I have to do to get you to be decent instead of ugly all the time. I would really appreciate being treated like a human instead of a horrible infectious disease.

Best Regards,

Rockin Robin

Or rather rockin Kaleb as it may be! This child doesn't stop rocking himself. Zoe thinks I'm nuts but she has yet to see him LOL. Seriously we had went to Old Country Buffet(YUCK)for a family get together and the whole hour we were there the kid didn't stop rocking in his highchair but once for maybe a minute and that's when I noted he had been rocking the whole time.

Like I told Zoe, I talked to our doctor about this worried that it may be a sign of Autism but like he noted he has no other signs and isn't really worried about it. Well to be honest he laughed at me in a nice way LOL. I'm not so much worried about it now as I just don't know why he needs the stimulation LOL. I would think he would get dizzy or sea sick. Of course my lovely husband says to me " I wonder that about you all the time as much as you rocked these kids and your self at night in bed". Tis true my dad rocked me for a loooooooong time before bed like until I was 12 or something, no joke and no its not gross it was father daughter time. So at night when I can't sleep or something is really bothering me I rock myself to sleep. I rocked Andre till he was 6 months then he learned to put himself to sleep but that didn't stop me from rocking him during the day which I still do and before bed while we read books. Now its the same with Kaleb though he was an easier child to put to bed.

So I wonder now if all the rocking I did with Andre before Kaleb was born had an effect on him and he just loves the motion and stimulation?

Have Any Suggestions? Pooping Woes

Okay I need some expert mom advise. Kaleb has had this diaper rash for a long time and I've gotten a script for it but the darn thing still comes back daily. Mind you he has been sick and for what ever reason is pooping daily acidy semi solid poops. I can't figure it out desitin only makes it worse but I can't get it to clear up and stay gone. What do I do? This poor kid needs a break and I just can't seem to give it to him. So I figured I would come here and ask since I know some wonderful moms out there are reading ;)