What a journey it has been over the last 8 months. The lessons I've learned are priceless, the hurt remains, but I'm seeing brighter days. I'm finally doing something for myself, I'm back in school and I'm good at what I'm doing. There is no other greater feeling then to feel your worth more then just what someone else wants you to be.

My divorce is almost final, it is bitter-sweet. I sure have learned a lot from it though. I used to think others were odd when they would use the the phrase "their past life" or "another life" but I get it now. That's how I feel. That was my past life, my life now is so different and in such good ways. I'm not proud or happy for those who I have hurt but I did what I felt was best for not only my growth but for my children's and others as well. It may not seem what is right to some but when you have lived my life then you can choose to do it differently.

My precious babies are getting so big. Andre is so very smart, bringing home A+ on spelling and math, I could not be more proud of my little man. He is still so loving and emotional my heart just pours out to him. Kaleb is as big as Andre and the protector of his sister.....that's of course when he isn't picking on her. He is also so very smart, speaking and doing things his big brother does with no problem at all. He gives the best hugs and kisses and is always very observant which makes me adore him that much more. Ellie, my sweet Tinkerbell princess. I'm not sure she will ever grow LOL. but does she ever have the personality and attitude to make up for her being so tiny. She brightens even the darkest of days.

Finally right now things are going beyond well, I'm happier then I've been in a long time and I'm continuing to work for and at what I want.

2010

As I start the new year I take a moment to look back at 2009, what I see is trials, tribulations, errors, heartache, lessons, and growth. I'm a stronger person for what I've learned though at times I feel weaker and I will hold my head a little higher knowing that I came out of this last year a wiser, stronger person.

I'm ready to head into 2010 with a clear head, achieve my goals that I had set some time ago and in this year learn more lessons to take with me on my journey. I do not make new years resolutions as I find it a waste of time, I set goals and work toward them when I feel ready and fit, this way I don't feel like I've set myself up for failure.

I pray that God gives me the strength I need to move through 2010 as he was by my side every step of the way in 2009. Thanks be to Him for that!

Broken

Completely broken, my faith and trust in people is gone and unrepairable for the time being. Opening myself up is not an option any longer you have stripped that away from me.

Those who are supposed to trust me go on to believe others before me when I have nothing to lie about or hide. You ask and I tell, but yet you choose to believe what others are saying over me. Go ahead and see how far that gets you.

People want to know why I'm so cold and this is EXACTLY the reason. I'm left with nothing, if it weren't for my precious children it would be time for me to go Home. As of now I'm lucky to have the strength to live for my children.

Not laughing anymore

I'm frustrated, as a mom, as a women, as a "single parent", as a person in general. No one ever promised life would be fair, boy do I know that but really it seems like there should be some balance at some point and the more I seek it the more I find the unbalanced.

Why am I supposed to give so much of myself to my children, to my marriage, to my husband, to friends, to family and yet have nothing left for me? Why do I have to continue to try at something I've been working at alone, when I've given my all and more, when I've given up everything in my life I know, love, like and then when I finally get enough back bone to say enough is enough I'm expected to give more. We are supposed to take care of everyone else, care for everyone else give and do to others as you want one to do to you and yet there is nothing left for me.

Whats funny to me is everyone that says "Oh you have to take care of you first" are the first to be there with their hand out needing all of your time or wanting all of your time so if I have to take care of me and do what is best for me why am I still supposed to cater to you? What if what is best for me has NOTHING to do with you?

I trust no one now, that was/is a rough lesson to learn and I wonder if I will ever find a place in my heart where I will fully trust someone again. The closest people to me have hurt me so deep that it almost isn't even worth it anymore to try if this will always be the outcome.

The Winding Path

As I was talking to a friend today I realized something about myself, it was one of those " ah ha" moments that I've looked for, for quite awhile and could never put my finger on what was going on with me until this conversation today. I won't disclose the friend or the conversation as that is not important what is important is the finding and the question that now follows along with it.

We all have things about ourselves that we love, like, dislike, hate, would change, could live without or is neither here nor there. I'm no different in this department and I can come up with more things I dislike about myself then things I like or love which I'm working on.

Lately I've been trying to focus on what I do like about myself what I think I do well and what I think I have to offer any type of relationship whether it be a friendship or any other. Some of what I do well can be a down fall as well if I let it go to far which is something that I'm also working on but that is for another time.

So anyway as the conversation progressed today and the wheels are spinning in my head I realize that while I like that I'm a good person, with a big heart and have a lot to offer others as far as a friendship goes I never ever feel "good" enough for them. I ALWAYS feel inadequate. Now the only connecting factor in all of these relationships is me so if I was to bet I would bet that I make myself feel this way either that or I find some crappy people and while not all have been winners 99% of them have their heart in the right place.

Now, why do I do this? Why do I always feel like who I am isn't "good enough" to people. I've had people tell my I'm gorgeous and I wonder what they want or know they said that because they are my friends not because I think I really am.(Which I'm doing better on I do tend to think I have some pretty days few and far between). I have people tell me I'm smart and the only thing I think I'm good at is kids, babies and sickness because I've taught myself a lot from having sick kids hahaha. Other then that I have no degree, I took the hard path of being young with no direction and drive, had kids and now I'm thinking how do I build myself up now when I should have done that years ago while building my beautiful children up?

Hahaha direction, who the heck has direction now? I have to pick something and go with it before I'm 80 and wonder where the time went. God has a funny way of answering our questions but putting another in it's place.

Complicated but Simple

Life as I knew it no longer exist. So many things have changed, where the kids and I live my life status, where my life is going and where I thought it was going. The people who I thought were going to be there and who are not, the ones who I never thought were going to be there and are. While things get complicated they get simpler also how that makes any sense I don't know but it does and it works so I go with the flow.

I feel used and abused, I feel as though I'm good enough to help and yet my mistakes over come the good in my heart. I feel like while everyone around me makes the same mistakes and I look past it I'm condemned. While I'm upset about this I'm uplifted cause the drama is gone. Maybe we were a toxic relationship and never knew it till now I don't know.

I navigate through the best I can in a place where I know nothing about. Its the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm only trying to do what is best for my innocent children involved. I'm not even sure if I really know whats best I know God does so I'm leaving it in his hands to guid me.

Sheeding layers of love one peice at a time.

Wow a lot has happened this summer, emotions have ran high and continue to. Its amazing to me how divorce can divide a family when they aren't the ones that are going through it. As an outsider looking in I strive to stay open minded there is always his side, her side, and the truth. It's not my place to pick sides or to judge. This all hits a little to close to home for me and it seems to be driving an even bigger wedge in my life.

Life is never perfect, humans are never perfect and while we can and strive to make well with what we have it sometimes is just not enough. Hearts are broken, trust is broken, faith is broken and yet you continue to try but for how long? When do you say we are better apart? Others say counsling, work at it to fix it but at some point you feel like why? I've done everything I know to do, I've put faith were it belong in God's hands and yet here we are. Where do you go from here?