Wanna Be Selfish

Yes I wanna be selfish, I feel like I can't breathe, like my world and support will crumble if you leave and yet I know you need to go. You have a wonderful chance to give yourself and your children happiness and I truly want that for you aside from being selfish and wanting you to stay solely for my sanity.

I can't even begin to tell you how much your friendship means to me, you have helped me through some of the hardest times in my life and not having you here for the rest of it seems unbearable. I look up to you, and I've learned from you so much more then I could ever repay.

I pray that when you do go you find everything you deserve and you deserve to be treated like a queen. You have a beautiful heart and sole, everything you give I pray you get back. I'm glad we had the time together we did, I'm thankful for the friendship you've given me and I pray that even with the long distance we will remain close.

Poor Kiddies

We got lucky this flu season with only one bout coming through the house and all else was well, now I think we are paying for it. Since last weeks dr appt Kaleb has developed a left year EI and Ellie has a double EI. Ellie was on AB's and now they changed them, Kaleb is now on them. Kaleb has tubes in both of his ears but they think the left one blocked, if it doesn't unblock then back to the ENT we go for him, and I just pray that Ellie doesn't follow in his footsteps.

Andre still has a cough but I didn't find it necessary to take him in too as he seems to be getting better now watch I'll eat my words.

Oh have to run Miss Ellie is calling.

Is It Any Wonder?

I love nursing my daughter but I beg for her to take a bottle. I need a break, I need to go out with the girls do adult things, drink adult things and forget for a few moments that any other part of me other then ME exsist.

Poor Ellie is six months old and has only had food a handful of times. I hate starting foods, I hate the fight of the thumb in the mouth or the spoon or heck why not both? Seriously its a pain in my ass and she couldn't care less about any food unless its coming from moms boobs.

We are in sick hell here in our corner of the world it has ran through the house and oh so nicely missed my wonderful husband (nice). Sniffling, sneezing, boogers the size of cobwebs, coughing oh yeah its beyond grand.

Kaleb my sweet Kaleb has turned into hell boy since he has been sick. Screaming "NO" at me and then throwing himself down and throwing anything he can reach and just as quick as it starts it ends with "sorry mommy, I wove you". Is it any wonder I have bald spots in my hair and need anxiety meds?

Did You Grow Up In A Barn?

Who in the right mind with any mannors at all thinks that it is okay to look at a baby who is being worn by her proud mother and say "Wow look at your big ears". Seriously? And then they act surprised when you snap back with "Wow didn't your mother teach you manors"?

Obviously she was a young girl who has no kids and has no idea the rage a mother will come with when messing with her young. Seriously it is NOT okay.

Company Never Fails To Be Bright

Friday was a beautiful day, my meds were working, the whether was beyond beautiful and we had company coming over to boot. This is what life is supposed to be, playing outside with your kids, grilling, friends gathering with their kids, great conversations, late night games that make you pee yourself and a few drinks.

This is what I live for, this is how I pictured my life as a little girl no worries, no stress or at least what we have is forgotten for that small amount of time. The kids were so tired they went to bed dirty(that was the best when I was a kid) they played hard and long all day and got much vitamin D couldn't ask for more.

Our Friends are a wonderful couple who have children the same age as Kaleb and Ellie. Guys talk about their things and we moms talk about children and plotting and escape from the men and children at some point in out lives, of course we would hope for sooner then later but lets face it when the children are young momma is needed or daddy goes nuts.

I have a tendency to think every weekend should be like that and of course Mike thinks differently but that one day left me in a decent mood for the next few days. So why not?

Just Purging

The 13th is coming up fast, its the horrid day I lost my grandmother and I'm not ready for it I'm just plain not ready to deal with this. My depression is a lot harder to kick this time around and I'm having an awful time 99% of the time. Seriously what is the point? Every time I leave the house I feel like I run into every dumb damn person in the few hours I'm out and I just hate leaving now. Where is the common sense people are supposed to have? Its everyone for themselves and I hate it. My in laws are quite a piece of work, my dad bless his heart is trying to keep me half way sane and my husband is doing quite well but has his moments where I figured he would where he just doesn't want to deal with me and my moods. I can't blame him I would want to deal with me either honestly.

I try very hard to be a good person, help others be there for others and yet I feel like I'm worthless, its all pointless and I'm just bothering everyone one involved. People don't need this, I'm just another problem on the list so wouldn't it better if I wasn't?

Chronic Problem

It seems that since I don't sleep anymore Andre has missed the bus at least once a week causing a frenzy of loading kids in the car to get him to school all the while feeling like a horrible mother thinking "I just had to turn off the alarm the first time didn't I?"

Not to mention the last two days the darn dog has found a way under the fence and I'v had to correct it or at least try, beat her in a loving nonabusive pet hating way cause really my fear is that she will get hit or someone will take her, I really do love her even when I'm beating her which is why I beat her. I don't even know how to fix the problem and she obviously can't run the neighborhood, I hate the thought of putting them both on a chain, and what do we do when we go somewhere, can't leave them out cause she will find a way through the fence and can't leave them in cause they think its fun to eat everything in site. WTH was I thinking getting puppies? Should have gotten an old lazy dog who doesn't care either way cause all he wants to do is lay there. ------->This is me banging my head on the wall<---------

All the while chasing the dog I'm trying to get a crying two yr old fed and milk cause he will die without milk (rolling eyes here), a whaling 4 month old out of the car seat of death onto the breast and answer the phone while starring longingly at my breakfast that sits there getting cold knowing I won't have a chance to eat it until its gross and then I won't eat it anyway. Calgon can't take me far enough away at this point.

I need to laugh or I just might commit myself.