This Person

Who is this person looking back at me in the mirror? I have no idea, I'm in a place in my life where I seem to swing in limbo waiting for a string to break and leave me in a steady place. Why am I having such a hard time? Will I ever know who I am and be proud of who I am? There are parts of me I'm proud of and there are parts of me that are shameful.

I'm less then stellar these days, I'm surprised people still like me honestly or maybe they just put up with me who knows. I know that the way I feel right now sucks so while I'm trying to keep my head above water I feel as though I'm a shell of a person. I'm drained mentally and physically, I just want to walk away.

Is This What I Want?

I'm trying to make life decisions and I'm always asking myself or someone else is asking are you sure this is what you want? I don't know and even if I have to chance to see I'm asked other questions. Do I feel this is right yeah, is there any part of me that feels wrong a little one because I'm shattering a dream of mine and someone Else's. Do I wish I could find the answers now and move on? More then anyone knows.

I'm sorry for being so messed up, I really am.

Calgon Take Me Away

Good Heavens get me out of here. I just can't deal with it today, anxiety is through the roof children are pissy and I'm beyond over it with other aspects of my life. Seriously I need to get out of here maybe its because I can't get Florida out of my head who knows. I miss it there terribly it holds my youth, my grandmother, wonderful times and it lets me let go of reality for a short time.

I'm being smothered, I'm trying to make it work and yet I still feel the same way, WTH is wrong with me? I feel so messed up in the head all the time there are days when its just not worth it to me. Whatever the world continues to turn and life goes on by God's good grace. At some point I will not be troubled any more, I'll be free and I'll know who I am.

Generation Gap

I don't expect people to understand what is in my head since really I don't understand it but I really wish people would quit pushing me to do what they think is right because their generation did it that way or they do it that way.

I'm not someone else, I didn't come from some other generation, I'm not cold hearted, nor am I a bitch (err okay sometimes), I don't do things just to hurt people and I'm sick of doing everything for everyone else and putting my happiness to the side.

I am who I am and I won't make excuses nor will I apologize for being me. Life is about learning, growing, changing and some times making mistakes. I wish I would be allowed to do this.

Wanna Be Selfish

Yes I wanna be selfish, I feel like I can't breathe, like my world and support will crumble if you leave and yet I know you need to go. You have a wonderful chance to give yourself and your children happiness and I truly want that for you aside from being selfish and wanting you to stay solely for my sanity.

I can't even begin to tell you how much your friendship means to me, you have helped me through some of the hardest times in my life and not having you here for the rest of it seems unbearable. I look up to you, and I've learned from you so much more then I could ever repay.

I pray that when you do go you find everything you deserve and you deserve to be treated like a queen. You have a beautiful heart and sole, everything you give I pray you get back. I'm glad we had the time together we did, I'm thankful for the friendship you've given me and I pray that even with the long distance we will remain close.

Poor Kiddies

We got lucky this flu season with only one bout coming through the house and all else was well, now I think we are paying for it. Since last weeks dr appt Kaleb has developed a left year EI and Ellie has a double EI. Ellie was on AB's and now they changed them, Kaleb is now on them. Kaleb has tubes in both of his ears but they think the left one blocked, if it doesn't unblock then back to the ENT we go for him, and I just pray that Ellie doesn't follow in his footsteps.

Andre still has a cough but I didn't find it necessary to take him in too as he seems to be getting better now watch I'll eat my words.

Oh have to run Miss Ellie is calling.

Is It Any Wonder?

I love nursing my daughter but I beg for her to take a bottle. I need a break, I need to go out with the girls do adult things, drink adult things and forget for a few moments that any other part of me other then ME exsist.

Poor Ellie is six months old and has only had food a handful of times. I hate starting foods, I hate the fight of the thumb in the mouth or the spoon or heck why not both? Seriously its a pain in my ass and she couldn't care less about any food unless its coming from moms boobs.

We are in sick hell here in our corner of the world it has ran through the house and oh so nicely missed my wonderful husband (nice). Sniffling, sneezing, boogers the size of cobwebs, coughing oh yeah its beyond grand.

Kaleb my sweet Kaleb has turned into hell boy since he has been sick. Screaming "NO" at me and then throwing himself down and throwing anything he can reach and just as quick as it starts it ends with "sorry mommy, I wove you". Is it any wonder I have bald spots in my hair and need anxiety meds?