Sheeding layers of love one peice at a time.

Wow a lot has happened this summer, emotions have ran high and continue to. Its amazing to me how divorce can divide a family when they aren't the ones that are going through it. As an outsider looking in I strive to stay open minded there is always his side, her side, and the truth. It's not my place to pick sides or to judge. This all hits a little to close to home for me and it seems to be driving an even bigger wedge in my life.

Life is never perfect, humans are never perfect and while we can and strive to make well with what we have it sometimes is just not enough. Hearts are broken, trust is broken, faith is broken and yet you continue to try but for how long? When do you say we are better apart? Others say counsling, work at it to fix it but at some point you feel like why? I've done everything I know to do, I've put faith were it belong in God's hands and yet here we are. Where do you go from here?

Change

There is no getting around change it just happens but can someone truly change? I'm not so sure, I've seen them try and try and yet who they really are at some point always peeks through. What do you do? You can't except the behavior but after so long do you just move on? Do you stay and trust that some day they will get to where they want to be and where you want to be.

Which brings me to the trust issue, once its been broken do you trust that person again or walk away. I used to be very forgiving and now I can't bring myself to forgive, move on and trust that it won't happen again.

There is going to be so much change coming it is really scary.

This Person

Who is this person looking back at me in the mirror? I have no idea, I'm in a place in my life where I seem to swing in limbo waiting for a string to break and leave me in a steady place. Why am I having such a hard time? Will I ever know who I am and be proud of who I am? There are parts of me I'm proud of and there are parts of me that are shameful.

I'm less then stellar these days, I'm surprised people still like me honestly or maybe they just put up with me who knows. I know that the way I feel right now sucks so while I'm trying to keep my head above water I feel as though I'm a shell of a person. I'm drained mentally and physically, I just want to walk away.

Is This What I Want?

I'm trying to make life decisions and I'm always asking myself or someone else is asking are you sure this is what you want? I don't know and even if I have to chance to see I'm asked other questions. Do I feel this is right yeah, is there any part of me that feels wrong a little one because I'm shattering a dream of mine and someone Else's. Do I wish I could find the answers now and move on? More then anyone knows.

I'm sorry for being so messed up, I really am.

Calgon Take Me Away

Good Heavens get me out of here. I just can't deal with it today, anxiety is through the roof children are pissy and I'm beyond over it with other aspects of my life. Seriously I need to get out of here maybe its because I can't get Florida out of my head who knows. I miss it there terribly it holds my youth, my grandmother, wonderful times and it lets me let go of reality for a short time.

I'm being smothered, I'm trying to make it work and yet I still feel the same way, WTH is wrong with me? I feel so messed up in the head all the time there are days when its just not worth it to me. Whatever the world continues to turn and life goes on by God's good grace. At some point I will not be troubled any more, I'll be free and I'll know who I am.

Generation Gap

I don't expect people to understand what is in my head since really I don't understand it but I really wish people would quit pushing me to do what they think is right because their generation did it that way or they do it that way.

I'm not someone else, I didn't come from some other generation, I'm not cold hearted, nor am I a bitch (err okay sometimes), I don't do things just to hurt people and I'm sick of doing everything for everyone else and putting my happiness to the side.

I am who I am and I won't make excuses nor will I apologize for being me. Life is about learning, growing, changing and some times making mistakes. I wish I would be allowed to do this.

Wanna Be Selfish

Yes I wanna be selfish, I feel like I can't breathe, like my world and support will crumble if you leave and yet I know you need to go. You have a wonderful chance to give yourself and your children happiness and I truly want that for you aside from being selfish and wanting you to stay solely for my sanity.

I can't even begin to tell you how much your friendship means to me, you have helped me through some of the hardest times in my life and not having you here for the rest of it seems unbearable. I look up to you, and I've learned from you so much more then I could ever repay.

I pray that when you do go you find everything you deserve and you deserve to be treated like a queen. You have a beautiful heart and sole, everything you give I pray you get back. I'm glad we had the time together we did, I'm thankful for the friendship you've given me and I pray that even with the long distance we will remain close.