How Did I Get Here?

I am a 28 yr old young women who has been in and out of love and marriage. Who has endured the hurt of pain that no one can ever describe and the joy of 3 children that I would have all over again if I could, yes even with the pain. I'm still left to ask, myself most of the time "How Did I Get Here?".

I find life to be MUCH more detailed and difficult then I had ever given thought to as a young girl dreaming of being a grown up and the wonderment of it all. I have had the time to think back at my life and the way I seen it from MY eyes and think why has this happened, or why has that happened and how some of it makes no sense what so ever.

It is not that great things have not happened or that such horrible things have it is just the timeline, the people and the events that have occurred over the last 28 years and the lessons that have come about.

I look at Andre and the heartache it took to get him here, the emotional toll that I would learn would not just be with him but with the three pregnancies that followed. I see the joy he brought with his own little timeline and wish sometimes that I had given him just a bit more time before adding Kaleb but of course never wanting to give Kaleb up!

As Kaleb comes in he brings even more lessons and love being the adorable little boy he is. He was my light through a very hard time and still has a smile that will fix even the hardest of days. He has eyes that allow you to see into his soul but makes you wondering what sly thing was he thinking right then.

Ellie oh my sweet little assertive girl. Of course she brings in the love, joy, lessons and happiness of the boys, but somehow she brings a little something more to the table. I often think what a beautifully sassy women she is going to be putting up with her brothers, but how in the world do I have 3 children already?

It feels like I'm still 19 yrs old and my life got put on hold. I'm not sure why the age 19 but it is what it is. It feels like I'm waiting for the interruption to be over so I can go back to "real" life. Knowing that this is "real" but still not feeling it. So probes the question again "How Did I Get Here"?

You Can Not Fit!

Can someone please let my precious daughter know that she is now 2 and while I would love to have her be an infant again she is sadly NOT and she CANNOT fit back inside me! Kaleb and Ellie started a "tumbling/ waste energy" class on Wednesday and while Kaleb LOVED every min of it Ellie spent the whole half hour trying to crawl back inside me and I can assure you SHE DOES NOT FIT!

On another note Andre started his new school yesterday and tells me he likes it and has 3 friends already. He was so excited to be able to ride the bus again this morning that's all he could talk about. I need to insert here that older kids are mean and Andre will NOT be walking to the bus stop alone for a very long time! The older kids "made" the younger kids stand away from them and threatened to beat them up if they came close(this was not to Andre because well I was there) I was livid and did speak my mind(in a motherly tone) though I'm sure it did no good. All I can hope for is that they don't pick on him on the bus because of me and that they just leave him alone or their parents will be seeing a lot of this momma bear!

So me and the younger ones are off this Wednesday morning to wear some energy off and Andre is off to school and then I'm off to work :( I hate my hours and the drive but sure thankful for the job period!

Changes

Here we are in November so many things have changed for the better. Amazing how life moves so quickly Ellie is now 2yrs old, Kaleb is 3 1/2 and Andre is 6. Wow how did that happen?




I have moved and I'm enjoying the move, working full time, being mom and loving a wonderful man.Can't complain one bit. None of this has been easy but it has been a worth while lesson and for that I'm grateful.



Andre is in first grade now and doing really well. Top of his class in reading and math, still hates to settle down but we will get there. :)


Kaleb is such a fun kid to be around and boy does he have a sneaky side! He is getting so smart and learning the ropes from his big brother. Preschool next year OH MY!


Ellie what a little princess! She is THE boss and EVERYONE knows she is a BEAUTIFUL little girl who knows it all :)

What a journey it has been over the last 8 months. The lessons I've learned are priceless, the hurt remains, but I'm seeing brighter days. I'm finally doing something for myself, I'm back in school and I'm good at what I'm doing. There is no other greater feeling then to feel your worth more then just what someone else wants you to be.

My divorce is almost final, it is bitter-sweet. I sure have learned a lot from it though. I used to think others were odd when they would use the the phrase "their past life" or "another life" but I get it now. That's how I feel. That was my past life, my life now is so different and in such good ways. I'm not proud or happy for those who I have hurt but I did what I felt was best for not only my growth but for my children's and others as well. It may not seem what is right to some but when you have lived my life then you can choose to do it differently.

My precious babies are getting so big. Andre is so very smart, bringing home A+ on spelling and math, I could not be more proud of my little man. He is still so loving and emotional my heart just pours out to him. Kaleb is as big as Andre and the protector of his sister.....that's of course when he isn't picking on her. He is also so very smart, speaking and doing things his big brother does with no problem at all. He gives the best hugs and kisses and is always very observant which makes me adore him that much more. Ellie, my sweet Tinkerbell princess. I'm not sure she will ever grow LOL. but does she ever have the personality and attitude to make up for her being so tiny. She brightens even the darkest of days.

Finally right now things are going beyond well, I'm happier then I've been in a long time and I'm continuing to work for and at what I want.

2010

As I start the new year I take a moment to look back at 2009, what I see is trials, tribulations, errors, heartache, lessons, and growth. I'm a stronger person for what I've learned though at times I feel weaker and I will hold my head a little higher knowing that I came out of this last year a wiser, stronger person.

I'm ready to head into 2010 with a clear head, achieve my goals that I had set some time ago and in this year learn more lessons to take with me on my journey. I do not make new years resolutions as I find it a waste of time, I set goals and work toward them when I feel ready and fit, this way I don't feel like I've set myself up for failure.

I pray that God gives me the strength I need to move through 2010 as he was by my side every step of the way in 2009. Thanks be to Him for that!

Broken

Completely broken, my faith and trust in people is gone and unrepairable for the time being. Opening myself up is not an option any longer you have stripped that away from me.

Those who are supposed to trust me go on to believe others before me when I have nothing to lie about or hide. You ask and I tell, but yet you choose to believe what others are saying over me. Go ahead and see how far that gets you.

People want to know why I'm so cold and this is EXACTLY the reason. I'm left with nothing, if it weren't for my precious children it would be time for me to go Home. As of now I'm lucky to have the strength to live for my children.

Not laughing anymore

I'm frustrated, as a mom, as a women, as a "single parent", as a person in general. No one ever promised life would be fair, boy do I know that but really it seems like there should be some balance at some point and the more I seek it the more I find the unbalanced.

Why am I supposed to give so much of myself to my children, to my marriage, to my husband, to friends, to family and yet have nothing left for me? Why do I have to continue to try at something I've been working at alone, when I've given my all and more, when I've given up everything in my life I know, love, like and then when I finally get enough back bone to say enough is enough I'm expected to give more. We are supposed to take care of everyone else, care for everyone else give and do to others as you want one to do to you and yet there is nothing left for me.

Whats funny to me is everyone that says "Oh you have to take care of you first" are the first to be there with their hand out needing all of your time or wanting all of your time so if I have to take care of me and do what is best for me why am I still supposed to cater to you? What if what is best for me has NOTHING to do with you?

I trust no one now, that was/is a rough lesson to learn and I wonder if I will ever find a place in my heart where I will fully trust someone again. The closest people to me have hurt me so deep that it almost isn't even worth it anymore to try if this will always be the outcome.