Outcast

Honestly all anyone in life really wants is to be accepted and loved. I am no different but I have always seem to struggle with both in my life which makes life that much harder on only myself. To be accepted for who I really am and loved without condition is something I have always strived for and I work hard at giving to other people. I firmly believe that I am not put on this earth to judge people, one day will be judgement day but it is not going to come from me, you are who you are and who you want to be, thats just fine with me! I used to love life, couldn't wait for the next day to come and now something has changed. Something that I have been trying to figure out and change back for some time now and I can't seem to. I used to have no fear, be calm and take things in stride that has all changed. If this is what I have to look forward to every day I don't want it. Why do I feel this way? Where did it come from?

I fall short

Every day I fall short of pleasing someone. I hurt someone in some way that I don't mean to, I don't do things how they want or give them what they need, I don't show them enough appreciation or love. So someone PLEASE tell me what am I supposed to do when I make choices they aren't good enough or they should have been done a different way.

So what am I supposed to do?

A Long Few Months

Wow we are already almost through January of 2012! These last few months have really opened my eyes. As the years pass I realize that life never seems to get easy there is always a set of problems that seem hard and relentless that you have to get through. It all makes me tired. The last month in general I've been homeless and have had to see my kids raised by my ex for the most part and let me tell you I will NEVER and I mean NEVER get used to that, like that or allow any of my kids to EVER be homeless.

In the last month I have lost my relationship with my father who at one point in my life I thought I would always have. How you turn your back on your kids and grand kids I will never know or understand especially over nothing.

Soon on the 27Th we will be in our own place again and things will be back to whatever "normal" is. We will be together (the kids and I) again the way it is supposed be and for that I am beyond thankful!

I am also thankful for my job that continues to stay busy, wonderful coworkers a beyond awesome and loving boyfriend and 3 beautiful children. These are the things that keep me going and that alone is something to be thankful.

Im not one of these people who are made to sit for 8 hrs. I need to be moving,helping, staying busy and today I was put on a job where Im in one room patient sitting. While it is still work and Im thankful for the money this is not what I signed up for. Never the less I should stop complaining and just be thankful period.

Lazy day

Sitting at my moms with my babies having a lovely relaxing day with them. I haven't had one of these days in a long time and it feels so good. My stress is down compared to yesterday and I'm living in the moment.

Isn't that what we are supposed to do is live in the moment? The past is the past and tomorrow is unknown but we have here and now to enjoy and live for. I've been working on this not looking so much towards the future or living in the past but being here in this very moment. It is not as easy as it sounds but like anything it takes practice. I do find that living for the here and now is less stressful unless of course the here and now is stressful then I look forward to more happy moments.

Off I go back to my family and loving every moment of it! Cant wait for Jeremy to get home though.

Amazing Opportunity/Long Night.

Another late night at the hospital. I don't mind though, I love my job and sleep cant find me anyway so might as well make money while I get more sleep deprivation. I have to say that this career opportunity is amazing. I'm more thankful then they could ever guess. This hospital and staff are beyond awesome and it is such a privilege.

How Did I Get Here?

I am a 28 yr old young women who has been in and out of love and marriage. Who has endured the hurt of pain that no one can ever describe and the joy of 3 children that I would have all over again if I could, yes even with the pain. I'm still left to ask, myself most of the time "How Did I Get Here?".

I find life to be MUCH more detailed and difficult then I had ever given thought to as a young girl dreaming of being a grown up and the wonderment of it all. I have had the time to think back at my life and the way I seen it from MY eyes and think why has this happened, or why has that happened and how some of it makes no sense what so ever.

It is not that great things have not happened or that such horrible things have it is just the timeline, the people and the events that have occurred over the last 28 years and the lessons that have come about.

I look at Andre and the heartache it took to get him here, the emotional toll that I would learn would not just be with him but with the three pregnancies that followed. I see the joy he brought with his own little timeline and wish sometimes that I had given him just a bit more time before adding Kaleb but of course never wanting to give Kaleb up!

As Kaleb comes in he brings even more lessons and love being the adorable little boy he is. He was my light through a very hard time and still has a smile that will fix even the hardest of days. He has eyes that allow you to see into his soul but makes you wondering what sly thing was he thinking right then.

Ellie oh my sweet little assertive girl. Of course she brings in the love, joy, lessons and happiness of the boys, but somehow she brings a little something more to the table. I often think what a beautifully sassy women she is going to be putting up with her brothers, but how in the world do I have 3 children already?

It feels like I'm still 19 yrs old and my life got put on hold. I'm not sure why the age 19 but it is what it is. It feels like I'm waiting for the interruption to be over so I can go back to "real" life. Knowing that this is "real" but still not feeling it. So probes the question again "How Did I Get Here"?