Randomness

I'm not ready for this
Why can't I let you go?
Why can't I be happy where I'm at?
I want what she has
No one ever said life is fair but damn it, it's not and I want what was mine.
Stay little
God give me strength and wisdom
Don't make the same mistakes I did
Make more for yourself
Don't settle
Marry for only for love
Be smarter than I was
I'll try not to push my dreams on to you but please don't blame me if I do, I only want better for you.
I'm scared
Will you hate me?
Will I be fair when I need to be?
God help me, walk with me, help me through this
I know better but I can't help it
It's been almost 10 yrs and I can't let go...............why?
I try and I fail
I think I move on and I don't........I can't..............will I ever?
I'm blessed and I'm so thankful, God is good but I fail Him.
I'm struggling

A Family Of 5

Since October 23rd we are now a family of 5. It was amazing, life seems to change so quickly. None of my kids have ever come at the time they were supposed to and Ellie was no exception. She was due to come on the 30th but decided that the 23rd was a much better day. At 38wks 1day I was more then fine with that, I was in a lot of pain and just plain wanted her OUT. It is a blessing she did come then because from what I was told there was no way I would have made it another week, my placenta looked horrible and there is no telling what could have happened had I waited. My Dr. said that he could see right were my pain had been this whole pregnancy as it was so thin he could see right through it. Mmm not good.

At 3:12 pm Ellen entered the world but not on a good note. She wasn't breathing well, color wasn't good and so on. I watched as they rubbed her, gave her oxygen and assesed her. Her apgars were 1 at a min old and 8 at 5 min. When I heard 1 I knew she was going straight to NICU and she did, she stayed for 48hrs on antibiotics to make sure her lungs got cleared out and no infection set in. Not an easy time for mommy as we had went through this with Kaleb just a year and a half before and it was worse then.

Ellen did well recovering, I on the other hand did not. This was all so different from the boys. My pain was beyond what I thought I could ever feel, I'm not really sure what happen I have a few ideas but bawling in my room for 2 hrs after surgery because I was in so much pain was not my idea of fun nor is it what I had planned at all. Even after it got some what under control we still had a hard time keeping it under control. Not to mention my milk wasn't coming in like it had with the boys and I could't supply her with enough so she had to have formula......again NOT what I had planned and NOT what I wanted. In the end she did okay with it but the guilt about ate me alive.

We are obviously home now and we are doing okay, we are fighing nursing issues but we are getting better as the days roll through. Its hard to believe that she is already 2 weeks old, I just want time to stop. She is our last and I want to savor every moment I can. I can't thank God enough for giving me such a beautiful little girl, and very handsome little boys!

Can't Wait Till It Is Over

You may think I'm talking about the pregnancy but this actually has nothing to do with the pregnancy, it has to do with Presidential Election. I'm pretty sure, I'm not the only one who feels this way but at this point it starts to get ugly and people start voicing their opinion thinking it is the only one that matters.

This is where I start to have a problem. To me you can never like EVERYTHING one person has to say and totally agree with them 100% because really it is NOT realistic. I have chosen who I'm voting for and it will stay private mainly because well I have that right and frankly I don't need to hear the opposing team tell me I'm wrong for this, that, or the other. I DO NOT agree with everything he stands for, but I do agree with him more then I agree with the other and I think he brings more to the table for this country. I am also not for one side or the other I like who I like and that is that.

I find it hard to believe that some find it so black vs. white so to speak on different subjects when really there is a WHOLE lot of grey area that needs to be addressed. These days there is always an exception to the rule, a side that may turn the tables so how anyone can be one sided on some issues or every issue is beyond me.

Crazy

This describes me to the fullness at this point. Apparently I don't make a very good pregnant women, I don't glow, I'm not cute and I'm certainly not a happy camper. I have managed to cry every day for the last week and a half and most days it is more then once and for various reasons.

I had a heart to heart with God today as I bawled in the shower about how I can't physically and emotionally do this any longer, he obviously thinks I can because here I sit still preggo. My family is in danger with me around I'm afraid. How can you love your kids so much but not want to deal with them from day to day? Nice huh? By the way I hate myself for feeling like that, no need to tell me what a crappy person I am.

I can have an okay day or an okay hour and the next be so off my rocker that I wonder how I function from one min to the next let alone how I made it this far.

My sweet, precious Kaleb and Andre have been trying to be so sweet to me (in between the fights and melt downs) that when I go to bed at night I reflect on the day and can't wait to see them in the morning only to be met with fights between the two and dread that here we go for another day. I find myself waking to the thought of "please let today be the day".

I prayed so hard for this pregnancy to be like Andre's and yet it is to much like Kaleb's for me to enjoy any of it. The scares, the fears, the worries and the what ifs all roll through my head like a bunch of marbles with nowhere to go.

And even though I want this to be over the newborn stage scares the crap out of me. Kaleb's newborn stage sucked, it took him a few weeks to adjust to this cruel world and I'm not looking forward to that again.

I promise that when she is out of me I'll be my old self, my better self right now as hard as I try I find myself crazy with no end in sight until she is here.

Please For Me?

Can you please say an extra prayer for a very good friend of mine. Her and her family have been delt a very rough hand in the last year and she is struggling to keep afloat. They could use all the prayers that you have right now. I won't name names for privacy reasons but please take a moment and raise her up. Thanks so much.

Can we say swollen?

Poor Kaleb, just can't catch a break. He got bit by something and now the tissue is infected. So he is on meds plus mortin with hopes to bring it down. It looks awful to say the least, but it doesn't seem to bother him one bit other then itching. If it gets worse or doesn't change by friday then he needs to go back in, worse meaning puking and fever. And of course depending on the time it will be an ER visit. I just pray it doesn't come to that. I'll post a pic of it. You'll notice his left ear sticking out, thats the swelling pushing it out. When your looking its our right but I'm sure you'll be able to tell which side is ballooned out.

Symbols

Through life there are certin things that seem to symbolize different times in my life and different people. Tonight one of those things has come home with me and while I'm happy to have it I'm filled with sadness.

Growing up my Grandma had lots of teacups and things along with nicknacks that I had bought her through the years. She also bought a cabnet to put all those things in when she moved from Florida to Michigan. It was always understood that when she passed I would recieve these things. I'm sad to say that as most of you know she moved on to Heaven this past April and now that I have a house these things have made it home to me.

I don't know how to put into words what it feels like to be happy that they are here but sad at what it means. How can you be happy and sad at the same time? I stare at the glass cabnet and my feelings are so mixed. I wish it wasn't here, I wish she was here. There are so many things happening in my life right now that I would give anything to have her here to share it all with. I know she would be beyond happy that we now have a house and she would be beyond thrilled to have Ellen coming.

She sees all of this I know, and I know that she is here with me every step of the way, I can only hope that she is happy and proud and I can only wish she was here in the flesh.