Crazy

This describes me to the fullness at this point. Apparently I don't make a very good pregnant women, I don't glow, I'm not cute and I'm certainly not a happy camper. I have managed to cry every day for the last week and a half and most days it is more then once and for various reasons.

I had a heart to heart with God today as I bawled in the shower about how I can't physically and emotionally do this any longer, he obviously thinks I can because here I sit still preggo. My family is in danger with me around I'm afraid. How can you love your kids so much but not want to deal with them from day to day? Nice huh? By the way I hate myself for feeling like that, no need to tell me what a crappy person I am.

I can have an okay day or an okay hour and the next be so off my rocker that I wonder how I function from one min to the next let alone how I made it this far.

My sweet, precious Kaleb and Andre have been trying to be so sweet to me (in between the fights and melt downs) that when I go to bed at night I reflect on the day and can't wait to see them in the morning only to be met with fights between the two and dread that here we go for another day. I find myself waking to the thought of "please let today be the day".

I prayed so hard for this pregnancy to be like Andre's and yet it is to much like Kaleb's for me to enjoy any of it. The scares, the fears, the worries and the what ifs all roll through my head like a bunch of marbles with nowhere to go.

And even though I want this to be over the newborn stage scares the crap out of me. Kaleb's newborn stage sucked, it took him a few weeks to adjust to this cruel world and I'm not looking forward to that again.

I promise that when she is out of me I'll be my old self, my better self right now as hard as I try I find myself crazy with no end in sight until she is here.

Please Lord Help Me Through This

As if this all weren't bad enough, Kaleb has a temp now of 101.7. I can't deal with this, I have faith in my husband and parnets to take good care of him but I'm not there. I only hear second hand and I'm not there holding him. I hear him cying on the phone to be cuddled and loved and I can't be there.

Lord help me through this. Lord please watch over Kaleb and let him be okay, please Lord let this pass quickly and let there be no other issues. Lord I'm scared and I need you now, I need you to be with me and my family and only you have that ability. Please bring me comfort and peace with everything going on. Help me let go and allow others to step in and help me. Please hold us close Lord.

Ellie and I

Ellie and I are in a hosptial in Kalamazoo about an hour and a half from home. We have been hospitalized since wednesday. I felt like my old section was ripping open, saw my doc on the floor while working and he sent me to get checked out right then and there. As of right now there are NO abruptions that they can see on u/s and before today I had a tare some where cause my blood came back positive for fetal cells. Just this morning it was negitive YAY!!!!!!!! but they informed me they are keeping me for "awhile" what ever that means. It's been quite the emotional roller coaster the last few days being away from the kids and not knowing what was going on with Ellie. At this point every day counts. They are giving me a steriod to mature her lungs, just had my second shot today. I'm praying that it won't be needed and she will stay put till term but its in Gods hands now.