Hard Times

Everyone has hard times and some have it worse then others. As I type this I'm reminded of a good friend of mine who is going through worse and has gone through worse and I think what am I complaining about? None the less we have hit some hard times here and quite frankly I'm just tired. I want to crawl into bed and drift off to a deep sleep to not wake until the times have passed, soultions have been found and everyone is happy again.

I feel as though everyone looks to me to "fix" the problems or provide answers and how many times can I say "I don't know" or "I can't fix this" before they get that I don't have the answers and I can't fix everything? I feel that as being a women in general people expect you to be able to always give answers and have soultions but women are only human themselves and can only handle so much before breaking.

Is that what God built us for? Did he build us to handle all the pressures of being a women and a mother along with a wife, friend, daughter, daughter in law, employee, aunt, cousin and sister? Are we ment to handle everyone elses problems and burdens and fix them, hold them and tend to them without us breaking in the process? I feel as though my plate is full and the ones that do need I can't be there for but yet feel used by others. How does this happen? How do we take care of oursleves and the ones we love without breaking? How can we be there for everyone we wish to be there for?

My problems seem small compared to a certin someone and for that I'm sorry, I'm sorry I can't be there for you like I want to and like I know you need me to. I don't know how to help even if I could be there for you. I hope you know I think of you all the time and while we may not talk that often I wish we would. I wish even through my issues that I could take half of your pain away that your feeling as a parent. Your a WONDERFUL mom and person and I hope you know and remind yourself of that from time to time.

Been Thinking

With the problems that Kaleb brought to me that have now entered their way into this pg with Ellie and then some Mike and I have been talking about Ellie being "our last". This is a VERY hard decision for me to make and quite honestly I'm still at the point where I refuse to tie my tubes because to me that is to final for being 26 and 27 yrs old. Mike has said and continues to say he is willing to get snipped but again to final for me right now.

On the other hand the econonmy is not getting any better, my health during the pg is not getting any better and at this point I feel like we are "complete". I've been thinking about other options as far as birthcontrol but well Ellie is a product of being on birthcontrol. I can't do anything for a while anyway considering I breastfeed and refuse to do anything else or take anything that would hinder that.

I feel "done" but I'm not ready to take those steps to make it final. Besides tieing the tubes seems to have side effects I don't really care to have either. If your "done" how did you know you were ready to take that step? I feel like since I have c-sections I'm pressured into "they are already in there just go ahead and do it" type thing and I just can't bring myself to. Weighing the options is very diffucult for me if you haven't noticed.

Just A Small Update

Seen my doc on tuesday, and have been put on bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy but I'm okay with that. As long as Ellie stays where she needs to stay until she is strong enough to be here and be okay thats what we will do. I have my family to thank for all the help they give me. Where I would be without them Lord only knows. My dad picks the boys up for me the three days a week they go to daycare(only lasts until next week) and drops them off and then brings them back to me, a HUGE help. My mom comes daily to help clean here and there, what ever needs to be done she does or helps with another HUGE help as I get anxiety when the house is "dirty". And my wonderful husband, he makes darn sure I do next to nothing and I'm so greatful for that. He really has stepped up and its such a blessing. He has a lot riding on his shoulders already but he has taken over what I normally do and can't.

The kids are happy to have me home for the most part but I think miss being able to do what as the please LOL. Momma came home and the fun ends, back to the everyday rules! All in all they still love me and are glad to be back to "normal" whatever that is.

I now see the doc every 2 weeks and will hopefully set up my section date on 9/2(my next appt.) Its hard to believe time is going so fast. We will be moving here pretty soon and I still need a lot of things to be ready for Ellie. How that is going to get done I have no clue but I have faith that it will some how all fall into place.

Slides That I've Been Working On

Kaleb's first year


Andre


Boys=Good Times

Home

There is no place like it and I'm glad I'm back! I'll post more when I get a min right now I'm off to lay on the couch with Andre and snuggle a bit.

Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts and beautiful, kind words. They mean more then you could ever imagine. I need to make it 10 more weeks and we will be good!

My Dear Andre

I know this week has been hard for you just like it has on everyone else, actually I know its been more hard on you being only 4 and not understanding fully why mommy is gone. You've done so well at having fun with your grandparents and dealing with me being gone but I know its taking a toll on you. I can hear in your voice now when I talk to you that your missing me and missing the "normalicy" of our life. Please honey bare with me for a bit longer and mommy will be home to cuddle you when your not feeling well and coax you through the hard times.

I love you so much and you've done so well for being put in the situation that your in. Being bounced from place to place has never been easy on you but your doing well and I promise I will do my best to make it up to you when I get home. Dry your tears, your daddy loves you too and know that I cry for you every night. Your such a good big brother!

Tomorrow

Providing my u/s comes back okay I will be FREE!!!!!! I'm so very excited, my IV was pulled today and I'm allowed to get up and walk around, infact encourged to do so. Thank you for all of your prayers and warm thoughts, they have brought me through a very rough time.

I know so many people go through so much more than I have and my heart goes out to them. The women I have met here are very strong to say the least, their stories very but they have one thing in common they are away from what they know as normal to provide the rest of their pregnancy with as much health as possible.

I'll update more tomorrow when I know, until then I need to rest, did you know you didn't get good sleep in the hospital?