Randomness

I'm not ready for this
Why can't I let you go?
Why can't I be happy where I'm at?
I want what she has
No one ever said life is fair but damn it, it's not and I want what was mine.
Stay little
God give me strength and wisdom
Don't make the same mistakes I did
Make more for yourself
Don't settle
Marry for only for love
Be smarter than I was
I'll try not to push my dreams on to you but please don't blame me if I do, I only want better for you.
I'm scared
Will you hate me?
Will I be fair when I need to be?
God help me, walk with me, help me through this
I know better but I can't help it
It's been almost 10 yrs and I can't let go...............why?
I try and I fail
I think I move on and I don't........I can't..............will I ever?
I'm blessed and I'm so thankful, God is good but I fail Him.
I'm struggling

A Family Of 5

Since October 23rd we are now a family of 5. It was amazing, life seems to change so quickly. None of my kids have ever come at the time they were supposed to and Ellie was no exception. She was due to come on the 30th but decided that the 23rd was a much better day. At 38wks 1day I was more then fine with that, I was in a lot of pain and just plain wanted her OUT. It is a blessing she did come then because from what I was told there was no way I would have made it another week, my placenta looked horrible and there is no telling what could have happened had I waited. My Dr. said that he could see right were my pain had been this whole pregnancy as it was so thin he could see right through it. Mmm not good.

At 3:12 pm Ellen entered the world but not on a good note. She wasn't breathing well, color wasn't good and so on. I watched as they rubbed her, gave her oxygen and assesed her. Her apgars were 1 at a min old and 8 at 5 min. When I heard 1 I knew she was going straight to NICU and she did, she stayed for 48hrs on antibiotics to make sure her lungs got cleared out and no infection set in. Not an easy time for mommy as we had went through this with Kaleb just a year and a half before and it was worse then.

Ellen did well recovering, I on the other hand did not. This was all so different from the boys. My pain was beyond what I thought I could ever feel, I'm not really sure what happen I have a few ideas but bawling in my room for 2 hrs after surgery because I was in so much pain was not my idea of fun nor is it what I had planned at all. Even after it got some what under control we still had a hard time keeping it under control. Not to mention my milk wasn't coming in like it had with the boys and I could't supply her with enough so she had to have formula......again NOT what I had planned and NOT what I wanted. In the end she did okay with it but the guilt about ate me alive.

We are obviously home now and we are doing okay, we are fighing nursing issues but we are getting better as the days roll through. Its hard to believe that she is already 2 weeks old, I just want time to stop. She is our last and I want to savor every moment I can. I can't thank God enough for giving me such a beautiful little girl, and very handsome little boys!