Hard Times

Everyone has hard times and some have it worse then others. As I type this I'm reminded of a good friend of mine who is going through worse and has gone through worse and I think what am I complaining about? None the less we have hit some hard times here and quite frankly I'm just tired. I want to crawl into bed and drift off to a deep sleep to not wake until the times have passed, soultions have been found and everyone is happy again.

I feel as though everyone looks to me to "fix" the problems or provide answers and how many times can I say "I don't know" or "I can't fix this" before they get that I don't have the answers and I can't fix everything? I feel that as being a women in general people expect you to be able to always give answers and have soultions but women are only human themselves and can only handle so much before breaking.

Is that what God built us for? Did he build us to handle all the pressures of being a women and a mother along with a wife, friend, daughter, daughter in law, employee, aunt, cousin and sister? Are we ment to handle everyone elses problems and burdens and fix them, hold them and tend to them without us breaking in the process? I feel as though my plate is full and the ones that do need I can't be there for but yet feel used by others. How does this happen? How do we take care of oursleves and the ones we love without breaking? How can we be there for everyone we wish to be there for?

My problems seem small compared to a certin someone and for that I'm sorry, I'm sorry I can't be there for you like I want to and like I know you need me to. I don't know how to help even if I could be there for you. I hope you know I think of you all the time and while we may not talk that often I wish we would. I wish even through my issues that I could take half of your pain away that your feeling as a parent. Your a WONDERFUL mom and person and I hope you know and remind yourself of that from time to time.

Been Thinking

With the problems that Kaleb brought to me that have now entered their way into this pg with Ellie and then some Mike and I have been talking about Ellie being "our last". This is a VERY hard decision for me to make and quite honestly I'm still at the point where I refuse to tie my tubes because to me that is to final for being 26 and 27 yrs old. Mike has said and continues to say he is willing to get snipped but again to final for me right now.

On the other hand the econonmy is not getting any better, my health during the pg is not getting any better and at this point I feel like we are "complete". I've been thinking about other options as far as birthcontrol but well Ellie is a product of being on birthcontrol. I can't do anything for a while anyway considering I breastfeed and refuse to do anything else or take anything that would hinder that.

I feel "done" but I'm not ready to take those steps to make it final. Besides tieing the tubes seems to have side effects I don't really care to have either. If your "done" how did you know you were ready to take that step? I feel like since I have c-sections I'm pressured into "they are already in there just go ahead and do it" type thing and I just can't bring myself to. Weighing the options is very diffucult for me if you haven't noticed.

Just A Small Update

Seen my doc on tuesday, and have been put on bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy but I'm okay with that. As long as Ellie stays where she needs to stay until she is strong enough to be here and be okay thats what we will do. I have my family to thank for all the help they give me. Where I would be without them Lord only knows. My dad picks the boys up for me the three days a week they go to daycare(only lasts until next week) and drops them off and then brings them back to me, a HUGE help. My mom comes daily to help clean here and there, what ever needs to be done she does or helps with another HUGE help as I get anxiety when the house is "dirty". And my wonderful husband, he makes darn sure I do next to nothing and I'm so greatful for that. He really has stepped up and its such a blessing. He has a lot riding on his shoulders already but he has taken over what I normally do and can't.

The kids are happy to have me home for the most part but I think miss being able to do what as the please LOL. Momma came home and the fun ends, back to the everyday rules! All in all they still love me and are glad to be back to "normal" whatever that is.

I now see the doc every 2 weeks and will hopefully set up my section date on 9/2(my next appt.) Its hard to believe time is going so fast. We will be moving here pretty soon and I still need a lot of things to be ready for Ellie. How that is going to get done I have no clue but I have faith that it will some how all fall into place.

Slides That I've Been Working On

Kaleb's first year


Andre


Boys=Good Times

Home

There is no place like it and I'm glad I'm back! I'll post more when I get a min right now I'm off to lay on the couch with Andre and snuggle a bit.

Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts and beautiful, kind words. They mean more then you could ever imagine. I need to make it 10 more weeks and we will be good!

My Dear Andre

I know this week has been hard for you just like it has on everyone else, actually I know its been more hard on you being only 4 and not understanding fully why mommy is gone. You've done so well at having fun with your grandparents and dealing with me being gone but I know its taking a toll on you. I can hear in your voice now when I talk to you that your missing me and missing the "normalicy" of our life. Please honey bare with me for a bit longer and mommy will be home to cuddle you when your not feeling well and coax you through the hard times.

I love you so much and you've done so well for being put in the situation that your in. Being bounced from place to place has never been easy on you but your doing well and I promise I will do my best to make it up to you when I get home. Dry your tears, your daddy loves you too and know that I cry for you every night. Your such a good big brother!

Tomorrow

Providing my u/s comes back okay I will be FREE!!!!!! I'm so very excited, my IV was pulled today and I'm allowed to get up and walk around, infact encourged to do so. Thank you for all of your prayers and warm thoughts, they have brought me through a very rough time.

I know so many people go through so much more than I have and my heart goes out to them. The women I have met here are very strong to say the least, their stories very but they have one thing in common they are away from what they know as normal to provide the rest of their pregnancy with as much health as possible.

I'll update more tomorrow when I know, until then I need to rest, did you know you didn't get good sleep in the hospital?

Good News?

After talking to the doc this morning and my u/s it looks like they will be sending me home in the next day or so!!!!!!!! I'm so very happy and excited. There seems to be no tare and everything looks good, so I pray that Ellie stays good and we will be home soon.

I think just about everyone on this floor is having multiple births, I've meet two having triplets, one having two girls and a boy and one having two boys and a girl. I pray they have save births and healthy babies and I'm quite happy I'm not in their position.

Thank you Lord for listening to my prayers.

Please Lord Help Me Through This

As if this all weren't bad enough, Kaleb has a temp now of 101.7. I can't deal with this, I have faith in my husband and parnets to take good care of him but I'm not there. I only hear second hand and I'm not there holding him. I hear him cying on the phone to be cuddled and loved and I can't be there.

Lord help me through this. Lord please watch over Kaleb and let him be okay, please Lord let this pass quickly and let there be no other issues. Lord I'm scared and I need you now, I need you to be with me and my family and only you have that ability. Please bring me comfort and peace with everything going on. Help me let go and allow others to step in and help me. Please hold us close Lord.

Never Long Enough

So being here in the hospital makes me miss the things I complained about from day to day. Doing laundry, making dinner, changing diapers, putting the kids to bed and just the everyday grind. Call me crazy but being so far away from my family and everyone I know makes me homesick to do all of the above.

My mom and stepdad brought my kids to see me for a few hours today and its just not long enough. Kaleb was so tired and ready to go home when they left and all I wanted to do was hold him, rock him and let him sleep on me. I just wanted to feel him in my arms and know that I'm still Mom and that I still have the ability and the touch to do that. I'm scared to death that by the time this is over he won't know me as mom and won't need me, he will need someone but it won't be me. It's a very hard thing to think about and deal with.

Andre really couldn't care less anyway. He is pretty independent as it is but he at least still knows I'm mommy and I know he still loves me.

My dad and stepmom came up also it was a short visit. Not really much to talk about on my end I guess but I like having the company. I know that with the way gas prices are I won't see anyone now for at least a few days. I hate that. I hate the thought of something going wrong and being here by myself to deliver her so young.

While some say this is a vacation it's so not to me. Everything is out of my control, not that we as humans have much control anyway, that is God's work but not having my kids and not being a mother and taking care of my responsibilities is hard. Yes my responsibility right now is to Ellie and keeping her safe as possible for as long as possible but its hard to see that.

They will be sending me for another u/s since I had some more pain last night. My incision is painful right now but I did have company today so my best guess is that its from that. I wish I could go walk around but I don't want to push my luck.

Well I'm off for my luxury shower *smile* I shall keep you all updated as much as possible.

Thank God she has stayed in this long and pray for a few more weeks with some strength for me.

Ellie and I

Ellie and I are in a hosptial in Kalamazoo about an hour and a half from home. We have been hospitalized since wednesday. I felt like my old section was ripping open, saw my doc on the floor while working and he sent me to get checked out right then and there. As of right now there are NO abruptions that they can see on u/s and before today I had a tare some where cause my blood came back positive for fetal cells. Just this morning it was negitive YAY!!!!!!!! but they informed me they are keeping me for "awhile" what ever that means. It's been quite the emotional roller coaster the last few days being away from the kids and not knowing what was going on with Ellie. At this point every day counts. They are giving me a steriod to mature her lungs, just had my second shot today. I'm praying that it won't be needed and she will stay put till term but its in Gods hands now.

Randomness

• I want you to accept me.
• I want you to love me AND my kids
• Why does life work like this?
• I don't trust you
• If it were up to me you wouldn't touch her
• I pray for help through this
• Why don't you fight for yourself?
• Advocate for YOURSELF
• We are supposed to be family but this is dysfunctional to say the least
• This is all I've ever known from family
• I wanted more for my kids
• I've bit my tongue so much its bleeding
• I've prayed for this
• This is supposed to be a happy time
• I feel lost and unheard
• I feel violated
• I'm sad that this is what your coming into
• I'm guilty for wanting the "perfect" family
• I don't know what else to do
• I feel like you have no time left for me
• Seriously, growing up sucks
• What I would give to give my children what I didn't have
• I've tried my hardest and yet the other half puts nothing forth
• I am who I am, love me, hate me, take me or leave me but DO NOT blame my kids
• I've been told this is not a battle worth fighting but it bothers me so much to not have answers
• I'm scared of everything going wrong
• All I want is to be LOVED
• Why do I search so hard for this?
• Why can't I let it go?
• I pray and I still feel like this, what am I missing?
• Yeah I have issues but so does everyone else
• I'm only human
• Why are some more important then others?
• Why is there always attitude?
• There are times when I am jealous
• My kids are everything to me
• I love their innocence
• They are beautiful to me
• I'm struggling