Broken

Completely broken, my faith and trust in people is gone and unrepairable for the time being. Opening myself up is not an option any longer you have stripped that away from me.

Those who are supposed to trust me go on to believe others before me when I have nothing to lie about or hide. You ask and I tell, but yet you choose to believe what others are saying over me. Go ahead and see how far that gets you.

People want to know why I'm so cold and this is EXACTLY the reason. I'm left with nothing, if it weren't for my precious children it would be time for me to go Home. As of now I'm lucky to have the strength to live for my children.

Not laughing anymore

I'm frustrated, as a mom, as a women, as a "single parent", as a person in general. No one ever promised life would be fair, boy do I know that but really it seems like there should be some balance at some point and the more I seek it the more I find the unbalanced.

Why am I supposed to give so much of myself to my children, to my marriage, to my husband, to friends, to family and yet have nothing left for me? Why do I have to continue to try at something I've been working at alone, when I've given my all and more, when I've given up everything in my life I know, love, like and then when I finally get enough back bone to say enough is enough I'm expected to give more. We are supposed to take care of everyone else, care for everyone else give and do to others as you want one to do to you and yet there is nothing left for me.

Whats funny to me is everyone that says "Oh you have to take care of you first" are the first to be there with their hand out needing all of your time or wanting all of your time so if I have to take care of me and do what is best for me why am I still supposed to cater to you? What if what is best for me has NOTHING to do with you?

I trust no one now, that was/is a rough lesson to learn and I wonder if I will ever find a place in my heart where I will fully trust someone again. The closest people to me have hurt me so deep that it almost isn't even worth it anymore to try if this will always be the outcome.

The Winding Path

As I was talking to a friend today I realized something about myself, it was one of those " ah ha" moments that I've looked for, for quite awhile and could never put my finger on what was going on with me until this conversation today. I won't disclose the friend or the conversation as that is not important what is important is the finding and the question that now follows along with it.

We all have things about ourselves that we love, like, dislike, hate, would change, could live without or is neither here nor there. I'm no different in this department and I can come up with more things I dislike about myself then things I like or love which I'm working on.

Lately I've been trying to focus on what I do like about myself what I think I do well and what I think I have to offer any type of relationship whether it be a friendship or any other. Some of what I do well can be a down fall as well if I let it go to far which is something that I'm also working on but that is for another time.

So anyway as the conversation progressed today and the wheels are spinning in my head I realize that while I like that I'm a good person, with a big heart and have a lot to offer others as far as a friendship goes I never ever feel "good" enough for them. I ALWAYS feel inadequate. Now the only connecting factor in all of these relationships is me so if I was to bet I would bet that I make myself feel this way either that or I find some crappy people and while not all have been winners 99% of them have their heart in the right place.

Now, why do I do this? Why do I always feel like who I am isn't "good enough" to people. I've had people tell my I'm gorgeous and I wonder what they want or know they said that because they are my friends not because I think I really am.(Which I'm doing better on I do tend to think I have some pretty days few and far between). I have people tell me I'm smart and the only thing I think I'm good at is kids, babies and sickness because I've taught myself a lot from having sick kids hahaha. Other then that I have no degree, I took the hard path of being young with no direction and drive, had kids and now I'm thinking how do I build myself up now when I should have done that years ago while building my beautiful children up?

Hahaha direction, who the heck has direction now? I have to pick something and go with it before I'm 80 and wonder where the time went. God has a funny way of answering our questions but putting another in it's place.

Complicated but Simple

Life as I knew it no longer exist. So many things have changed, where the kids and I live my life status, where my life is going and where I thought it was going. The people who I thought were going to be there and who are not, the ones who I never thought were going to be there and are. While things get complicated they get simpler also how that makes any sense I don't know but it does and it works so I go with the flow.

I feel used and abused, I feel as though I'm good enough to help and yet my mistakes over come the good in my heart. I feel like while everyone around me makes the same mistakes and I look past it I'm condemned. While I'm upset about this I'm uplifted cause the drama is gone. Maybe we were a toxic relationship and never knew it till now I don't know.

I navigate through the best I can in a place where I know nothing about. Its the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm only trying to do what is best for my innocent children involved. I'm not even sure if I really know whats best I know God does so I'm leaving it in his hands to guid me.

Sheeding layers of love one peice at a time.

Wow a lot has happened this summer, emotions have ran high and continue to. Its amazing to me how divorce can divide a family when they aren't the ones that are going through it. As an outsider looking in I strive to stay open minded there is always his side, her side, and the truth. It's not my place to pick sides or to judge. This all hits a little to close to home for me and it seems to be driving an even bigger wedge in my life.

Life is never perfect, humans are never perfect and while we can and strive to make well with what we have it sometimes is just not enough. Hearts are broken, trust is broken, faith is broken and yet you continue to try but for how long? When do you say we are better apart? Others say counsling, work at it to fix it but at some point you feel like why? I've done everything I know to do, I've put faith were it belong in God's hands and yet here we are. Where do you go from here?

Change

There is no getting around change it just happens but can someone truly change? I'm not so sure, I've seen them try and try and yet who they really are at some point always peeks through. What do you do? You can't except the behavior but after so long do you just move on? Do you stay and trust that some day they will get to where they want to be and where you want to be.

Which brings me to the trust issue, once its been broken do you trust that person again or walk away. I used to be very forgiving and now I can't bring myself to forgive, move on and trust that it won't happen again.

There is going to be so much change coming it is really scary.

This Person

Who is this person looking back at me in the mirror? I have no idea, I'm in a place in my life where I seem to swing in limbo waiting for a string to break and leave me in a steady place. Why am I having such a hard time? Will I ever know who I am and be proud of who I am? There are parts of me I'm proud of and there are parts of me that are shameful.

I'm less then stellar these days, I'm surprised people still like me honestly or maybe they just put up with me who knows. I know that the way I feel right now sucks so while I'm trying to keep my head above water I feel as though I'm a shell of a person. I'm drained mentally and physically, I just want to walk away.

Is This What I Want?

I'm trying to make life decisions and I'm always asking myself or someone else is asking are you sure this is what you want? I don't know and even if I have to chance to see I'm asked other questions. Do I feel this is right yeah, is there any part of me that feels wrong a little one because I'm shattering a dream of mine and someone Else's. Do I wish I could find the answers now and move on? More then anyone knows.

I'm sorry for being so messed up, I really am.

Calgon Take Me Away

Good Heavens get me out of here. I just can't deal with it today, anxiety is through the roof children are pissy and I'm beyond over it with other aspects of my life. Seriously I need to get out of here maybe its because I can't get Florida out of my head who knows. I miss it there terribly it holds my youth, my grandmother, wonderful times and it lets me let go of reality for a short time.

I'm being smothered, I'm trying to make it work and yet I still feel the same way, WTH is wrong with me? I feel so messed up in the head all the time there are days when its just not worth it to me. Whatever the world continues to turn and life goes on by God's good grace. At some point I will not be troubled any more, I'll be free and I'll know who I am.

Generation Gap

I don't expect people to understand what is in my head since really I don't understand it but I really wish people would quit pushing me to do what they think is right because their generation did it that way or they do it that way.

I'm not someone else, I didn't come from some other generation, I'm not cold hearted, nor am I a bitch (err okay sometimes), I don't do things just to hurt people and I'm sick of doing everything for everyone else and putting my happiness to the side.

I am who I am and I won't make excuses nor will I apologize for being me. Life is about learning, growing, changing and some times making mistakes. I wish I would be allowed to do this.

Wanna Be Selfish

Yes I wanna be selfish, I feel like I can't breathe, like my world and support will crumble if you leave and yet I know you need to go. You have a wonderful chance to give yourself and your children happiness and I truly want that for you aside from being selfish and wanting you to stay solely for my sanity.

I can't even begin to tell you how much your friendship means to me, you have helped me through some of the hardest times in my life and not having you here for the rest of it seems unbearable. I look up to you, and I've learned from you so much more then I could ever repay.

I pray that when you do go you find everything you deserve and you deserve to be treated like a queen. You have a beautiful heart and sole, everything you give I pray you get back. I'm glad we had the time together we did, I'm thankful for the friendship you've given me and I pray that even with the long distance we will remain close.

Poor Kiddies

We got lucky this flu season with only one bout coming through the house and all else was well, now I think we are paying for it. Since last weeks dr appt Kaleb has developed a left year EI and Ellie has a double EI. Ellie was on AB's and now they changed them, Kaleb is now on them. Kaleb has tubes in both of his ears but they think the left one blocked, if it doesn't unblock then back to the ENT we go for him, and I just pray that Ellie doesn't follow in his footsteps.

Andre still has a cough but I didn't find it necessary to take him in too as he seems to be getting better now watch I'll eat my words.

Oh have to run Miss Ellie is calling.

Is It Any Wonder?

I love nursing my daughter but I beg for her to take a bottle. I need a break, I need to go out with the girls do adult things, drink adult things and forget for a few moments that any other part of me other then ME exsist.

Poor Ellie is six months old and has only had food a handful of times. I hate starting foods, I hate the fight of the thumb in the mouth or the spoon or heck why not both? Seriously its a pain in my ass and she couldn't care less about any food unless its coming from moms boobs.

We are in sick hell here in our corner of the world it has ran through the house and oh so nicely missed my wonderful husband (nice). Sniffling, sneezing, boogers the size of cobwebs, coughing oh yeah its beyond grand.

Kaleb my sweet Kaleb has turned into hell boy since he has been sick. Screaming "NO" at me and then throwing himself down and throwing anything he can reach and just as quick as it starts it ends with "sorry mommy, I wove you". Is it any wonder I have bald spots in my hair and need anxiety meds?

Did You Grow Up In A Barn?

Who in the right mind with any mannors at all thinks that it is okay to look at a baby who is being worn by her proud mother and say "Wow look at your big ears". Seriously? And then they act surprised when you snap back with "Wow didn't your mother teach you manors"?

Obviously she was a young girl who has no kids and has no idea the rage a mother will come with when messing with her young. Seriously it is NOT okay.

Company Never Fails To Be Bright

Friday was a beautiful day, my meds were working, the whether was beyond beautiful and we had company coming over to boot. This is what life is supposed to be, playing outside with your kids, grilling, friends gathering with their kids, great conversations, late night games that make you pee yourself and a few drinks.

This is what I live for, this is how I pictured my life as a little girl no worries, no stress or at least what we have is forgotten for that small amount of time. The kids were so tired they went to bed dirty(that was the best when I was a kid) they played hard and long all day and got much vitamin D couldn't ask for more.

Our Friends are a wonderful couple who have children the same age as Kaleb and Ellie. Guys talk about their things and we moms talk about children and plotting and escape from the men and children at some point in out lives, of course we would hope for sooner then later but lets face it when the children are young momma is needed or daddy goes nuts.

I have a tendency to think every weekend should be like that and of course Mike thinks differently but that one day left me in a decent mood for the next few days. So why not?

Just Purging

The 13th is coming up fast, its the horrid day I lost my grandmother and I'm not ready for it I'm just plain not ready to deal with this. My depression is a lot harder to kick this time around and I'm having an awful time 99% of the time. Seriously what is the point? Every time I leave the house I feel like I run into every dumb damn person in the few hours I'm out and I just hate leaving now. Where is the common sense people are supposed to have? Its everyone for themselves and I hate it. My in laws are quite a piece of work, my dad bless his heart is trying to keep me half way sane and my husband is doing quite well but has his moments where I figured he would where he just doesn't want to deal with me and my moods. I can't blame him I would want to deal with me either honestly.

I try very hard to be a good person, help others be there for others and yet I feel like I'm worthless, its all pointless and I'm just bothering everyone one involved. People don't need this, I'm just another problem on the list so wouldn't it better if I wasn't?

Chronic Problem

It seems that since I don't sleep anymore Andre has missed the bus at least once a week causing a frenzy of loading kids in the car to get him to school all the while feeling like a horrible mother thinking "I just had to turn off the alarm the first time didn't I?"

Not to mention the last two days the darn dog has found a way under the fence and I'v had to correct it or at least try, beat her in a loving nonabusive pet hating way cause really my fear is that she will get hit or someone will take her, I really do love her even when I'm beating her which is why I beat her. I don't even know how to fix the problem and she obviously can't run the neighborhood, I hate the thought of putting them both on a chain, and what do we do when we go somewhere, can't leave them out cause she will find a way through the fence and can't leave them in cause they think its fun to eat everything in site. WTH was I thinking getting puppies? Should have gotten an old lazy dog who doesn't care either way cause all he wants to do is lay there. ------->This is me banging my head on the wall<---------

All the while chasing the dog I'm trying to get a crying two yr old fed and milk cause he will die without milk (rolling eyes here), a whaling 4 month old out of the car seat of death onto the breast and answer the phone while starring longingly at my breakfast that sits there getting cold knowing I won't have a chance to eat it until its gross and then I won't eat it anyway. Calgon can't take me far enough away at this point.

I need to laugh or I just might commit myself.

A Boy That Doesn't Like Bugs

So this is what we hear from Andre:

"Mom, can you come get this."

Me: "What?"

Andre: "There is a bug in our bathroom"

Me: "No get Kaleb to get it"

Andre: "I don't want Kaleb to get it I want you to get it"

Me: "No ask Kaleb"

Andre: "Kaaaaaaaleeeeeebbbbbb, come get this bug for me"

Kaleb: "Okay where?"

Andre: "There"

Kaleb: "Got it"

Andre: "Don't touch me, throw it in the potty and flush it"

Kaleb: "K"

hearing the toilet flush.

The Sick House

Poor Ellie had the flu today and it has moved it way to Kaleb. He is walking around grabing his tummy saying "mommy, belly hurt". I was hoping to get through this years flu season but I guess we aren't that lucky.

Off to tend to the sickies.

Dark

When the thoughts are dark it scares me and comforts me at the same time. I wonder where to turn, who to turn to and how I got here. So much has happened in the last few years that its hard to pinpoint where it started.

Why when you ask for help people blow it off? Why do they ask you what you need like you really know what you need, all you can see is darkness and yet your supposed to be able to see through that to make it better. If you could make it better on your own wouldn't you have already?

I love my family with all my heart but I see no end. Some days are happy and okay and some days are to dark to speak of. I'm tired of no one listening and saying that if I need anything they are there. No your not so stop saying it.

How is that you can have a husband and three kids, parents who stop over at least once a week, friends that call often and yet you feel alone and angry?

I'm here because I have children, boys who need their mom and a daughter who is beautiful and solely depends on me to live. Without them there would be no me.

Listening To Children

As I sit here I'm listening to Kaleb sing with Elmo the E L M O song that sounds like Y M C A. He can sing the whole thing, what a ham!

He also has been playing with Andre's Magnadoodle and says "mommy I draw a circle" and he does, didn't know he could do that! Then he was pointing out letters to Andre and I like E and A WTH? Where does this kid get off growing up so fast, I never said he could!!!!!

Pictures

She decided she had enough by this point.

Did You Know?

That Andre has TWO girlfriends and seems to be the hunk of his preschool class. I found this out the other day as I entered his class room to help for the day and these two pretty little girls just can't get enough of him. I do have to say as a mom I'm quite proud actually hehehe!

Kaleb now thinks its cool to fart then announce it to everyone such as "Mommy I farted" with laughter to follow. LOVELY! He is quite honest too when you call him adorable and he says "Yes I adorable"! He does not lack self confidence so I'm doing something right.

Ellie is just as beautiful as ever, and when you tell her so she lights up the room. She is a happy little thing who loves to suck her thumb and bury her face into her blankie, what could be any more cute?

Why Do You Do That?

When Andre started getting teeth and they came in split in front you made a point to say something about it every time you seen him and it was always in "picking on" manor. When Kaleb was born and he was/is big you make it a point to say something about that and how he is his daddy but his daddy was never that big. Now with Ellie you make a point to say something about her big ears every time you see her and quite frankly if I hear it the next time I will say something. I don't care if your joking or not I work hard as a mother to build my kids up and let them know that no matter how different they are or anyone else is everyone is beautiful especially them. By you picking on them and pointing out their imperfections at some point they will break down and become self conscious and I don't want that for my children.

I lived like that and I will do everything in my power to not let that happen to my children. You are their grandmother act like it. I'm so sorry that they are not what they should be in your eyes but they are exactly the way they should be in mine AND Gods. I know you think their "imperfections" come from me and that's fine I'll take whatever I can claim of them since according to you they are their father.......I guess you mean the "perfect" side of them is their father right?

Back off, allow them to be kids, they will find things about themselves that they don't like soon enough as will other kids around them. Don't contribute to them hating things about themselves. Build them up and be apart of them loving themselves God knows in today's world loving yourself is one of the hardest things for anyone to accomplish.

Kaleb Your 2 Years Old

Where did the time go? I can't believe it was two years ago that you came into this world fighting, and you have never stopped. You are a strong little man who is funny, loving, high spirited, inquisitive, smart, bold, handsome and full of life. There are days when I wonder if I will make it through to the next day and those days you breathe life and laughter into me.

You simply amaze me, they way you speak in full sentences at the age of two, the way you understand things and I could swear you shouldn't understand, how you love your family and how your sole is so beautiful.

I pray that you keep your beautiful sole, I hope that keep dancing the way you do now, you don't care who is watching you will break it down anywhere in front of anyone when the right beat hits your cute little ears. I hope that the next year brings us closer as did this one and I pray that as you grow you continue to love unconditionally as you do now. You are my helper in the morning and my cuddle bug at night. I love every bit of you.

Small Blessings

There are things every day such as a blanket, a figurine, an animal, a rainbow, a smell or something else close to you that makes you remember a time, a place, or a special person. When you come across those things and you are remembered it usually puts a smile on your face as you go back in time for just a quick second and have a flash of fond memories.

Since we moved into our house I've been wanting some birdseed in hopes to get that one thing to bless my day and make me feel as though my Grandmother is still with me some how. My mother in law dropped some off to us this weekend and it took a few days for the birds to catch on that there was food there but finally they have. I was pleased this morning as I sat in my chair watching out the window to see Blue Jay's and Finches and even a Woodpecker and then they came. A male and female beautiful as they are, pecking the seeds as though they were grateful to even find food, beautiful Cardinals. The male bright red and the female a dull grey and red. It made me smile thinking of my Grandmother, she would have been so excited to see them herself they were her favorite.

Small blessings is all it takes to make someones day, mine has sure been made and my troubles forgotten for just a few seconds the world was right.

What bless's your days?

What To Do

I have a precious daughter who will NOT take a bottle and I need a longer break then what her feeding sechdule allows. I have a huband who won't help and doesn't have the patients to help anyway, no one wants to come watch my kids for fear I'll be gone longer then expected and they will be left with Ellie screaming, further more when I take her I can't always find a place to nurse her anyway. I'm not a breastfeeding savy mom who can nurse anywhere, as hard as I try it just doesn't come easy for me.

I would love to be able to go to dinner and a movie with my husband or friends but that is not going to happen if I can't get her to take a bottle. I keep thinking "this too shall pass" but I don't see it passing in time to keep my sanity.

Any suggestions? I've tired Gerber bottles, Nuk nipples, Playtex bottles(was successful a few times but now all she does is play and make a mess), Second Nature and all I get is a screaming baby. Somebody please help me.

Where Are You?

I need you, but your to wrapped up on your own life to see the signs even though I've been quite clear. I have always been there for you when you needed me whether it ment putting my family aside or not I was there. I really need you right now but things are odd, different and confusing. I feel like I was a part of your past life and I don't fit into this one.

Trust In The Lord With All Your Heart.......

Lean Not On Your Own Understanding.

I have to live by this or I will lose it. There is always a lesson to be learned, and He is always with us but I know I often wonder "seriously?".

It is no secret, many families are struggling right now, we have been for a while and will more now. Mike just called to tell me two things. Good and bad news.

Bad news, his factory is shutting down on Fridays until further notice.

Good news, he still has a job.

I'm grateful for him having a job at all since I can't seem to get one, but this is very scary for me. The thought of us both being without a job is numbing, not being able to feed our kids is worse or dress them, or put a roof over their heads. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself but there needs to be a plan in case this does happen which means thinking the worst.

First and foremost, we as a family and those out there dealing with this and worse need to realize that we are NOT in control He is and He has a plan. It may suck as we walk through it but it will be okay when we have learned whatever it is that he wants us to learn.

Ask and you shall receive, I have witnessed this before myself. Know that not all prayers are answered and know that is a good thing. So pray, when you have nothing left to lean on. When you have no one left to lean on, he is there, always has been and always will be.

As I pray for you, please pray for us and every other person out there who is feeling this crunch.

Couldn't Ask For More

As I put the kids to bed tonight, I sit and listen by myself( Mike is at a friends house ) to my two beautiful, loving little boys who may fight every once in a while yell back and fourth to each other as their nightly routine. It starts usually with Kaleb and it goes something like this......

Kaleb: Ondee(Andre)

Andre: What

Kaleb: I Wove U

Andre: I love you too

Long pause

Kaleb: Ondee, knock, knock

Andre:Who is there

Kaleb: Papa or whoever comes to mind at the moment

Then it is Andre's turn for Knock, Knock. If Kaleb is upset about something it goes something like this........

Andre: Kaleb your alright, don't cry, we can play together tomorrow

Kaleb: sobbing "K"

Kaleb: Ondee

Andre: What?

Kaleb: I Wove U

Then we proceed to Knock, Knock. This will go on for a few mins sometimes its back and fourth of exchanges of "Night nights" and "I love yous" instead, but its always something. I know that growing up there will be times where they don't get along and don't want to be seen together but I pray that they will always have this same love for each other.

I remember being pregnant for Kaleb and thinking "Oh my God what have I done? Andre won't be loved as much" and so on, most moms know where I'm coming from on this. And most moms who had two or more kids told me I was giving Andre the best gift ever. I thought they were nuts, siblings don't get along they barley even like each other these days but you know what? I was wrong. These two love each other more then I could have ever asked for. They are each others best friends and while that may change in their eyes it won't when it matters.

As a mom I know I've made mistakes, and I'll continue to make them as that is what teaches us but I'm very proud of my boys as I listen to how they interact in quiet moments like this.

Ellie

My dearest Ellie, I love you so. When I look at you I can't describe the love I feel. You have filled my heart more then I could have ever imagined. The innocence in your cry, smile and giggle make me want to protect you with every bit of life inside me.

My love for you I find is very different then my love for the boys. You cling to me like I'm your every life support, you flat out refuse to eat for anyone other then me and it obviously can not be from a bottle, what were we thinking trying to give you that nasty thing? You love your dad from a distance and secretly it makes me laugh. The boys would smother you with love, hugs and kisses but we don't allow them to close because lets face it Kaleb isn't the most graceful child and your little body can't take his tank of a body.

You are so beautiful, it amazes me that you are a part of me. I want so much for you in life, and I pray that I can raise you right and give you the knowledge and tools to get what you want out of life. You are such a blessing from God.

I love you!