The Winding Path

As I was talking to a friend today I realized something about myself, it was one of those " ah ha" moments that I've looked for, for quite awhile and could never put my finger on what was going on with me until this conversation today. I won't disclose the friend or the conversation as that is not important what is important is the finding and the question that now follows along with it.

We all have things about ourselves that we love, like, dislike, hate, would change, could live without or is neither here nor there. I'm no different in this department and I can come up with more things I dislike about myself then things I like or love which I'm working on.

Lately I've been trying to focus on what I do like about myself what I think I do well and what I think I have to offer any type of relationship whether it be a friendship or any other. Some of what I do well can be a down fall as well if I let it go to far which is something that I'm also working on but that is for another time.

So anyway as the conversation progressed today and the wheels are spinning in my head I realize that while I like that I'm a good person, with a big heart and have a lot to offer others as far as a friendship goes I never ever feel "good" enough for them. I ALWAYS feel inadequate. Now the only connecting factor in all of these relationships is me so if I was to bet I would bet that I make myself feel this way either that or I find some crappy people and while not all have been winners 99% of them have their heart in the right place.

Now, why do I do this? Why do I always feel like who I am isn't "good enough" to people. I've had people tell my I'm gorgeous and I wonder what they want or know they said that because they are my friends not because I think I really am.(Which I'm doing better on I do tend to think I have some pretty days few and far between). I have people tell me I'm smart and the only thing I think I'm good at is kids, babies and sickness because I've taught myself a lot from having sick kids hahaha. Other then that I have no degree, I took the hard path of being young with no direction and drive, had kids and now I'm thinking how do I build myself up now when I should have done that years ago while building my beautiful children up?

Hahaha direction, who the heck has direction now? I have to pick something and go with it before I'm 80 and wonder where the time went. God has a funny way of answering our questions but putting another in it's place.

Complicated but Simple

Life as I knew it no longer exist. So many things have changed, where the kids and I live my life status, where my life is going and where I thought it was going. The people who I thought were going to be there and who are not, the ones who I never thought were going to be there and are. While things get complicated they get simpler also how that makes any sense I don't know but it does and it works so I go with the flow.

I feel used and abused, I feel as though I'm good enough to help and yet my mistakes over come the good in my heart. I feel like while everyone around me makes the same mistakes and I look past it I'm condemned. While I'm upset about this I'm uplifted cause the drama is gone. Maybe we were a toxic relationship and never knew it till now I don't know.

I navigate through the best I can in a place where I know nothing about. Its the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm only trying to do what is best for my innocent children involved. I'm not even sure if I really know whats best I know God does so I'm leaving it in his hands to guid me.