Chronic Problem

It seems that since I don't sleep anymore Andre has missed the bus at least once a week causing a frenzy of loading kids in the car to get him to school all the while feeling like a horrible mother thinking "I just had to turn off the alarm the first time didn't I?"

Not to mention the last two days the darn dog has found a way under the fence and I'v had to correct it or at least try, beat her in a loving nonabusive pet hating way cause really my fear is that she will get hit or someone will take her, I really do love her even when I'm beating her which is why I beat her. I don't even know how to fix the problem and she obviously can't run the neighborhood, I hate the thought of putting them both on a chain, and what do we do when we go somewhere, can't leave them out cause she will find a way through the fence and can't leave them in cause they think its fun to eat everything in site. WTH was I thinking getting puppies? Should have gotten an old lazy dog who doesn't care either way cause all he wants to do is lay there. ------->This is me banging my head on the wall<---------

All the while chasing the dog I'm trying to get a crying two yr old fed and milk cause he will die without milk (rolling eyes here), a whaling 4 month old out of the car seat of death onto the breast and answer the phone while starring longingly at my breakfast that sits there getting cold knowing I won't have a chance to eat it until its gross and then I won't eat it anyway. Calgon can't take me far enough away at this point.

I need to laugh or I just might commit myself.

A Boy That Doesn't Like Bugs

So this is what we hear from Andre:

"Mom, can you come get this."

Me: "What?"

Andre: "There is a bug in our bathroom"

Me: "No get Kaleb to get it"

Andre: "I don't want Kaleb to get it I want you to get it"

Me: "No ask Kaleb"

Andre: "Kaaaaaaaleeeeeebbbbbb, come get this bug for me"

Kaleb: "Okay where?"

Andre: "There"

Kaleb: "Got it"

Andre: "Don't touch me, throw it in the potty and flush it"

Kaleb: "K"

hearing the toilet flush.

The Sick House

Poor Ellie had the flu today and it has moved it way to Kaleb. He is walking around grabing his tummy saying "mommy, belly hurt". I was hoping to get through this years flu season but I guess we aren't that lucky.

Off to tend to the sickies.

Dark

When the thoughts are dark it scares me and comforts me at the same time. I wonder where to turn, who to turn to and how I got here. So much has happened in the last few years that its hard to pinpoint where it started.

Why when you ask for help people blow it off? Why do they ask you what you need like you really know what you need, all you can see is darkness and yet your supposed to be able to see through that to make it better. If you could make it better on your own wouldn't you have already?

I love my family with all my heart but I see no end. Some days are happy and okay and some days are to dark to speak of. I'm tired of no one listening and saying that if I need anything they are there. No your not so stop saying it.

How is that you can have a husband and three kids, parents who stop over at least once a week, friends that call often and yet you feel alone and angry?

I'm here because I have children, boys who need their mom and a daughter who is beautiful and solely depends on me to live. Without them there would be no me.

Listening To Children

As I sit here I'm listening to Kaleb sing with Elmo the E L M O song that sounds like Y M C A. He can sing the whole thing, what a ham!

He also has been playing with Andre's Magnadoodle and says "mommy I draw a circle" and he does, didn't know he could do that! Then he was pointing out letters to Andre and I like E and A WTH? Where does this kid get off growing up so fast, I never said he could!!!!!