Can't Wait Till It Is Over

You may think I'm talking about the pregnancy but this actually has nothing to do with the pregnancy, it has to do with Presidential Election. I'm pretty sure, I'm not the only one who feels this way but at this point it starts to get ugly and people start voicing their opinion thinking it is the only one that matters.

This is where I start to have a problem. To me you can never like EVERYTHING one person has to say and totally agree with them 100% because really it is NOT realistic. I have chosen who I'm voting for and it will stay private mainly because well I have that right and frankly I don't need to hear the opposing team tell me I'm wrong for this, that, or the other. I DO NOT agree with everything he stands for, but I do agree with him more then I agree with the other and I think he brings more to the table for this country. I am also not for one side or the other I like who I like and that is that.

I find it hard to believe that some find it so black vs. white so to speak on different subjects when really there is a WHOLE lot of grey area that needs to be addressed. These days there is always an exception to the rule, a side that may turn the tables so how anyone can be one sided on some issues or every issue is beyond me.

Crazy

This describes me to the fullness at this point. Apparently I don't make a very good pregnant women, I don't glow, I'm not cute and I'm certainly not a happy camper. I have managed to cry every day for the last week and a half and most days it is more then once and for various reasons.

I had a heart to heart with God today as I bawled in the shower about how I can't physically and emotionally do this any longer, he obviously thinks I can because here I sit still preggo. My family is in danger with me around I'm afraid. How can you love your kids so much but not want to deal with them from day to day? Nice huh? By the way I hate myself for feeling like that, no need to tell me what a crappy person I am.

I can have an okay day or an okay hour and the next be so off my rocker that I wonder how I function from one min to the next let alone how I made it this far.

My sweet, precious Kaleb and Andre have been trying to be so sweet to me (in between the fights and melt downs) that when I go to bed at night I reflect on the day and can't wait to see them in the morning only to be met with fights between the two and dread that here we go for another day. I find myself waking to the thought of "please let today be the day".

I prayed so hard for this pregnancy to be like Andre's and yet it is to much like Kaleb's for me to enjoy any of it. The scares, the fears, the worries and the what ifs all roll through my head like a bunch of marbles with nowhere to go.

And even though I want this to be over the newborn stage scares the crap out of me. Kaleb's newborn stage sucked, it took him a few weeks to adjust to this cruel world and I'm not looking forward to that again.

I promise that when she is out of me I'll be my old self, my better self right now as hard as I try I find myself crazy with no end in sight until she is here.

Please For Me?

Can you please say an extra prayer for a very good friend of mine. Her and her family have been delt a very rough hand in the last year and she is struggling to keep afloat. They could use all the prayers that you have right now. I won't name names for privacy reasons but please take a moment and raise her up. Thanks so much.

Can we say swollen?

Poor Kaleb, just can't catch a break. He got bit by something and now the tissue is infected. So he is on meds plus mortin with hopes to bring it down. It looks awful to say the least, but it doesn't seem to bother him one bit other then itching. If it gets worse or doesn't change by friday then he needs to go back in, worse meaning puking and fever. And of course depending on the time it will be an ER visit. I just pray it doesn't come to that. I'll post a pic of it. You'll notice his left ear sticking out, thats the swelling pushing it out. When your looking its our right but I'm sure you'll be able to tell which side is ballooned out.

Symbols

Through life there are certin things that seem to symbolize different times in my life and different people. Tonight one of those things has come home with me and while I'm happy to have it I'm filled with sadness.

Growing up my Grandma had lots of teacups and things along with nicknacks that I had bought her through the years. She also bought a cabnet to put all those things in when she moved from Florida to Michigan. It was always understood that when she passed I would recieve these things. I'm sad to say that as most of you know she moved on to Heaven this past April and now that I have a house these things have made it home to me.

I don't know how to put into words what it feels like to be happy that they are here but sad at what it means. How can you be happy and sad at the same time? I stare at the glass cabnet and my feelings are so mixed. I wish it wasn't here, I wish she was here. There are so many things happening in my life right now that I would give anything to have her here to share it all with. I know she would be beyond happy that we now have a house and she would be beyond thrilled to have Ellen coming.

She sees all of this I know, and I know that she is here with me every step of the way, I can only hope that she is happy and proud and I can only wish she was here in the flesh.

A Strange Thing That Happens At The End Of My Pregnancy's

I tend to lose the filter between my brain and my mouth and hoestly I don't really care to much that it is not there. I think it has to do with being tired, fat and fed up with allowing people to walk all over me. I say what comes to mind and I move on, I know some don't appreicate it but I don't care.

I do what I can for my family and what I can't I just can't. I'm sick of certin people thinking and acting like I owe them something, I don't so get off your high horse and move on. My husband and kids come first and if some can't understand that I'm sorry but maybe some day you will. Don't worry once I'm done with this pregnancy I'll be back to my ever pleasing self who tries to please everyone under the sun but until then I'm doing what is right for me and my family. Take me or leave me at this point I don't seem to care much.

Go Figure

I fall asleep watching TV so when I wake I decide that I should probably go to bed, what happens? I lay there and stare at the dang wall for an hour and a half until I figure I might as well get up and do something. I hate when my mind goes so much that I can't fall asleep, drives me NUTS! So as I type this I'm yawning.......grrr!