Crazy

This describes me to the fullness at this point. Apparently I don't make a very good pregnant women, I don't glow, I'm not cute and I'm certainly not a happy camper. I have managed to cry every day for the last week and a half and most days it is more then once and for various reasons.

I had a heart to heart with God today as I bawled in the shower about how I can't physically and emotionally do this any longer, he obviously thinks I can because here I sit still preggo. My family is in danger with me around I'm afraid. How can you love your kids so much but not want to deal with them from day to day? Nice huh? By the way I hate myself for feeling like that, no need to tell me what a crappy person I am.

I can have an okay day or an okay hour and the next be so off my rocker that I wonder how I function from one min to the next let alone how I made it this far.

My sweet, precious Kaleb and Andre have been trying to be so sweet to me (in between the fights and melt downs) that when I go to bed at night I reflect on the day and can't wait to see them in the morning only to be met with fights between the two and dread that here we go for another day. I find myself waking to the thought of "please let today be the day".

I prayed so hard for this pregnancy to be like Andre's and yet it is to much like Kaleb's for me to enjoy any of it. The scares, the fears, the worries and the what ifs all roll through my head like a bunch of marbles with nowhere to go.

And even though I want this to be over the newborn stage scares the crap out of me. Kaleb's newborn stage sucked, it took him a few weeks to adjust to this cruel world and I'm not looking forward to that again.

I promise that when she is out of me I'll be my old self, my better self right now as hard as I try I find myself crazy with no end in sight until she is here.