Merry Christmas

We have new additons! Other then Ellen we have been joined by two more little girls Keita and Kora. Sweet little girls they are, they are a Christmas presant to our family. Yes sometimes I think "what was I thinking" getting a puppy let alone two with Ellen being so young but we so badly wanted to fill that gap that had been there.

So now our days consist of house training, feedings and chasing after one or two, both with things they shouldn't be chewing on such as a pair of my unmentionables today :blush:

Here is Miss Ellie at her photo shoot for 2 months old as you can see she is thrilled


And here are our other girls
Keita


Kora

The Power Of Working Outside The Home

I never realized how isolated I felt until now. I've been in a slump lately and my best guess is I miss my friends that I worked with. It gave me interaction with humans who have a greater vocab then 250 words and whose life consisted of more then coloring, video games and a nap.

Sure you can call someone on the phone but its just not the same as being face to face and enjoying their company as well as their conversation. Working outside the home provides so much more then just money to me and while when I was working there were days when I didn't want to go to work, when I got there 9 times out of 10 I was glad to be there and greeted by wonderful people(with some exceptions ;) )

Some people can stay home and love it I guess I'm not one of those people. Gotta run someone needs a diaper change.

Ahhh the joys of being home ;)

Wow

It's hard to believe that she is 6 weeks old tomorrow. Where has the time gone? I'm sure it passed somewhere in the haze of late night feedings and crying matches between her and I but I sure don't remember 6 whole weeks flying by. She is everything and more that I imagined and truly a blessing(when she is not screaming at 4 in the morning) no really she is such a blessing.

Recovery has been rough for me, so rough that I would have ran back to my docs for him to tie my tubes had I not done it while on the table having her. This recovery is not something I would wish on anyone but I'm surviving, what else can you do right?

The boys are doing well with her except they won't leave her alone, that's good right? At least they love her to pieces now!

Mike is doing well with her too, she loves to sit with him. If I can't get her calm all I have to do is hand her over and what ever problem she had was gone cause daddy is there. Grrrr, oh I mean I'm happy about that LOL.

Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving we did and we are excited for Christmas! Off I go, its time to milk the cow ;)

Randomness

I'm not ready for this
Why can't I let you go?
Why can't I be happy where I'm at?
I want what she has
No one ever said life is fair but damn it, it's not and I want what was mine.
Stay little
God give me strength and wisdom
Don't make the same mistakes I did
Make more for yourself
Don't settle
Marry for only for love
Be smarter than I was
I'll try not to push my dreams on to you but please don't blame me if I do, I only want better for you.
I'm scared
Will you hate me?
Will I be fair when I need to be?
God help me, walk with me, help me through this
I know better but I can't help it
It's been almost 10 yrs and I can't let go...............why?
I try and I fail
I think I move on and I don't........I can't..............will I ever?
I'm blessed and I'm so thankful, God is good but I fail Him.
I'm struggling

A Family Of 5

Since October 23rd we are now a family of 5. It was amazing, life seems to change so quickly. None of my kids have ever come at the time they were supposed to and Ellie was no exception. She was due to come on the 30th but decided that the 23rd was a much better day. At 38wks 1day I was more then fine with that, I was in a lot of pain and just plain wanted her OUT. It is a blessing she did come then because from what I was told there was no way I would have made it another week, my placenta looked horrible and there is no telling what could have happened had I waited. My Dr. said that he could see right were my pain had been this whole pregnancy as it was so thin he could see right through it. Mmm not good.

At 3:12 pm Ellen entered the world but not on a good note. She wasn't breathing well, color wasn't good and so on. I watched as they rubbed her, gave her oxygen and assesed her. Her apgars were 1 at a min old and 8 at 5 min. When I heard 1 I knew she was going straight to NICU and she did, she stayed for 48hrs on antibiotics to make sure her lungs got cleared out and no infection set in. Not an easy time for mommy as we had went through this with Kaleb just a year and a half before and it was worse then.

Ellen did well recovering, I on the other hand did not. This was all so different from the boys. My pain was beyond what I thought I could ever feel, I'm not really sure what happen I have a few ideas but bawling in my room for 2 hrs after surgery because I was in so much pain was not my idea of fun nor is it what I had planned at all. Even after it got some what under control we still had a hard time keeping it under control. Not to mention my milk wasn't coming in like it had with the boys and I could't supply her with enough so she had to have formula......again NOT what I had planned and NOT what I wanted. In the end she did okay with it but the guilt about ate me alive.

We are obviously home now and we are doing okay, we are fighing nursing issues but we are getting better as the days roll through. Its hard to believe that she is already 2 weeks old, I just want time to stop. She is our last and I want to savor every moment I can. I can't thank God enough for giving me such a beautiful little girl, and very handsome little boys!

Can't Wait Till It Is Over

You may think I'm talking about the pregnancy but this actually has nothing to do with the pregnancy, it has to do with Presidential Election. I'm pretty sure, I'm not the only one who feels this way but at this point it starts to get ugly and people start voicing their opinion thinking it is the only one that matters.

This is where I start to have a problem. To me you can never like EVERYTHING one person has to say and totally agree with them 100% because really it is NOT realistic. I have chosen who I'm voting for and it will stay private mainly because well I have that right and frankly I don't need to hear the opposing team tell me I'm wrong for this, that, or the other. I DO NOT agree with everything he stands for, but I do agree with him more then I agree with the other and I think he brings more to the table for this country. I am also not for one side or the other I like who I like and that is that.

I find it hard to believe that some find it so black vs. white so to speak on different subjects when really there is a WHOLE lot of grey area that needs to be addressed. These days there is always an exception to the rule, a side that may turn the tables so how anyone can be one sided on some issues or every issue is beyond me.

Crazy

This describes me to the fullness at this point. Apparently I don't make a very good pregnant women, I don't glow, I'm not cute and I'm certainly not a happy camper. I have managed to cry every day for the last week and a half and most days it is more then once and for various reasons.

I had a heart to heart with God today as I bawled in the shower about how I can't physically and emotionally do this any longer, he obviously thinks I can because here I sit still preggo. My family is in danger with me around I'm afraid. How can you love your kids so much but not want to deal with them from day to day? Nice huh? By the way I hate myself for feeling like that, no need to tell me what a crappy person I am.

I can have an okay day or an okay hour and the next be so off my rocker that I wonder how I function from one min to the next let alone how I made it this far.

My sweet, precious Kaleb and Andre have been trying to be so sweet to me (in between the fights and melt downs) that when I go to bed at night I reflect on the day and can't wait to see them in the morning only to be met with fights between the two and dread that here we go for another day. I find myself waking to the thought of "please let today be the day".

I prayed so hard for this pregnancy to be like Andre's and yet it is to much like Kaleb's for me to enjoy any of it. The scares, the fears, the worries and the what ifs all roll through my head like a bunch of marbles with nowhere to go.

And even though I want this to be over the newborn stage scares the crap out of me. Kaleb's newborn stage sucked, it took him a few weeks to adjust to this cruel world and I'm not looking forward to that again.

I promise that when she is out of me I'll be my old self, my better self right now as hard as I try I find myself crazy with no end in sight until she is here.

Please For Me?

Can you please say an extra prayer for a very good friend of mine. Her and her family have been delt a very rough hand in the last year and she is struggling to keep afloat. They could use all the prayers that you have right now. I won't name names for privacy reasons but please take a moment and raise her up. Thanks so much.

Can we say swollen?

Poor Kaleb, just can't catch a break. He got bit by something and now the tissue is infected. So he is on meds plus mortin with hopes to bring it down. It looks awful to say the least, but it doesn't seem to bother him one bit other then itching. If it gets worse or doesn't change by friday then he needs to go back in, worse meaning puking and fever. And of course depending on the time it will be an ER visit. I just pray it doesn't come to that. I'll post a pic of it. You'll notice his left ear sticking out, thats the swelling pushing it out. When your looking its our right but I'm sure you'll be able to tell which side is ballooned out.

Symbols

Through life there are certin things that seem to symbolize different times in my life and different people. Tonight one of those things has come home with me and while I'm happy to have it I'm filled with sadness.

Growing up my Grandma had lots of teacups and things along with nicknacks that I had bought her through the years. She also bought a cabnet to put all those things in when she moved from Florida to Michigan. It was always understood that when she passed I would recieve these things. I'm sad to say that as most of you know she moved on to Heaven this past April and now that I have a house these things have made it home to me.

I don't know how to put into words what it feels like to be happy that they are here but sad at what it means. How can you be happy and sad at the same time? I stare at the glass cabnet and my feelings are so mixed. I wish it wasn't here, I wish she was here. There are so many things happening in my life right now that I would give anything to have her here to share it all with. I know she would be beyond happy that we now have a house and she would be beyond thrilled to have Ellen coming.

She sees all of this I know, and I know that she is here with me every step of the way, I can only hope that she is happy and proud and I can only wish she was here in the flesh.

A Strange Thing That Happens At The End Of My Pregnancy's

I tend to lose the filter between my brain and my mouth and hoestly I don't really care to much that it is not there. I think it has to do with being tired, fat and fed up with allowing people to walk all over me. I say what comes to mind and I move on, I know some don't appreicate it but I don't care.

I do what I can for my family and what I can't I just can't. I'm sick of certin people thinking and acting like I owe them something, I don't so get off your high horse and move on. My husband and kids come first and if some can't understand that I'm sorry but maybe some day you will. Don't worry once I'm done with this pregnancy I'll be back to my ever pleasing self who tries to please everyone under the sun but until then I'm doing what is right for me and my family. Take me or leave me at this point I don't seem to care much.

Go Figure

I fall asleep watching TV so when I wake I decide that I should probably go to bed, what happens? I lay there and stare at the dang wall for an hour and a half until I figure I might as well get up and do something. I hate when my mind goes so much that I can't fall asleep, drives me NUTS! So as I type this I'm yawning.......grrr!

And We Are DONE!!!!!

YAY!!! We are finally moved into our house, its been a very long week especially for Mike but we are here and we are turning in the keys to our apartment tomorrow. We are very excited to say the least. I'd be more excited if I could get things in order but they are slowly getting there. I've had a lot of help from my family over the last week helping pack, unpack and clean.

The kids are adjusting well, it's nice to be able to sleep a bit longer in the morning instead of getting up to take Andre to the bus, now he walks across the street and off to school he goes. Sure makes mornings eaiser!

Kaleb took the first night to adjust to his new bed and his new room but is doing wonderful now. Back to the sleeping saint he used to be and for that I'm thankful. They have loved the fact that they now have a yard to play in with toys and a driveway to ride bikes in. It doesn't get much better for boys I tell ya.

I have a clothes line!!!!!! I love it! The smell of sun/wind dried sheets is heavenly. The simple things please me.......can you tell?

Ellie is on her way, not to much longer. I'm so ready to be done, my swelling is beyond bad, I hurt everywhere and I'm quite cranky but I try to keep in mind this won't last forever. I have NST's weekly now and she fails everytime which buys me a good ol' biophysical profile, which she passes with flying colors. I think she just likes having her picture taken ;) She is not going to a small one compared to her measurements, as of right now she is measuring 6lbs 8oz. Now I don't tend to put much faith into those but we shall see.

Thats all for now, I'm off to check on dinner. Hope you all had a good week.

Changes

Changes are coming quickly, we will be moving in the next week(heads up so if I'm not on you know why) and then just a short few weeks after that Ellie will be here. The date is set just waiting to hear a time. My luck I'll be the last of the day and will be starving and very cranky all day long, OH JOY!!

The boys are doing great, fighting at the moment but it wouldn't be normal if they didn't fight, and love each other at the same time!

Andre started preschool this last week and he is beyond excited to be at a new school and riding the bus(that's his favorite part). He says he likes his new teachers and seems to be getting along with the kids pretty good. I ask him if he has any friends and he says yes but can't remember their names. I pray he does, he made them pretty easy at daycare so I hope its the same here since he will be going all through his school years with these kids.

Kaleb doesn't know what to do with himself when Andre is gone. He walks around with his blankie for the few hours that Andre is gone asking for him here and there. He does play but mostly he likes to cling to his blankie and me. Once Andre gets home he can't be happier or leave him alone LOL. Andre of course wants to do other things then play with his brother but will give in after a while.

Ellie is growing wonderfully, they had me start NST's twice a week from here on out just to make sure she is tolerating the pregnancy okay due to my history of high blood pressure. Of course for the first one last week she had to be a stinker so we got sent for a biophysical profile ultrasound. Scored 8/8 perfectly fine she just wanted more pics taken of her ;) Wouldn't be my child if she didn't want to hog the camera! Still don't have much for her just a few outfits here and there but it seems we have a long ways to go before we are "ready" and not much time left. It will all work I'm sure but its nerve wracking.

Well I'm off for now, need to rest a bit did way to much yesterday.

Beautiful!

A Simple Touch

Of my toddlers hand, a lay of their heads on me, a quick smile, a loving "Mommy", or a long warm hug and cuddle in the early morning makes EVERYTHING worth it.

Their sweet smelling, soft as silk, warm as fire skin can turn a very long, trying, horrible day into Heaven for me. To me it's amazing how this simple thing happens. With all the worries that we adults have in this world it only takes a second for them to melt away as I'm loved by my children.

What a blessing children are in general, but to take the time and realize this is what is missing out of a lot of peoples life's. I know all to well how it is to get wrapped up in day to day life, or even yourself and your problems, but we need to remember that these sweet, innocent life's that were given to us need us to take the time, even just a second to feed their soles and their confidence with a simple "I love you", or a hug, you'd be surprised at how much it feeds your sole too!

Why?

Does he have to make this so hard on me? We are in the middle of trying to move into his grandparents house and they keep asking if we want this or want that. Now seriously, I don't mind keep some things but I want to make this house OURS and it just feels like the more we keep the more its not ours. I don't have the heart to say "no" he KNOWS this so when I tell him I don't really want to keep everything under the sun why can't he find a way to tell them "no".

I have this feeling that this will NEVER be our home and that really bothers me. We have our own things we don't need to keep every knick knack of theirs. Why can't he understand that? Ugh!!!!!

Seriously?

How did this happen? I swore I was one of those parents who can't wait for their kids to get on a bus and leave for school, most days I really am one of those parents! Then today hits, it's family night at Andre's new school/classroom. I'm fine all day long, we get there and I'm still fine, check him and he is all smiles it's a go. Sweet! Walk through the first room where the kids will be hanging their coats and things into the next room which is the actual classroom and here come the wave of emotions. Where the hell did they come from? I hold back the first wave of wet eyes and blubber crying, five more steps into the room and here comes the second wave, yep got those in check too. As Andre looks at his new classroom with amazement and wonderment another hits and I curse these damn pregnancy hormones and quickly move on before anyone catches my slightly wet eyes. All in all I had about 4 waves all kept in check cause well I couldn't be the only blubbering mommy in the room!

Monday is his first day and he can't wait. He is so excited about wearing his new backpack and playing with the trains in his new classroom I really couldn't ask for anything more. He cried when it was time to leave, which I guess is better then crying because he had to be there!

Where did this time go? This is just preschool so why am I emotional? My goodness you'd think he was going off to college or the army or something other then PRESCHOOL! Lord what am I going to do when my last baby goes to school, fall into a deep depression?

Time moves so quickly it seems anymore. I'm happy that he is happy and I'm proud of myself and Mike for the good kid we have raised thus far, but seriously it doesn't need to be so darn emotional!

The Whole Time Growing Up

All I ever heard from you when I did hear from you was "I'm sorry I can't come get you, I'm not feeling well" and I was lucky to hear that. Then the time that I did spend with you, you spent bashing someone who meant the world to me, and you blamed him because "he took you away from me and he is the reason I couldn't see you". I always let it slide, never saying much till I got older and sick and tired of hearing it. You always gave me a sob story about how you missed me growing up and how you wanted so badly to be there and in the last 8 yrs you've tried to make that up by being my friend and pushing to be there for my kids.

I began to think wow, things are really changing, maybe I can start putting some trust into this and start letting go of the past. Bam you strike again. The times I need you the most you have come up with the same old excuse, "sorry honey, I'm not feeling well" all the while I know that you've spent all week most likely sleeping just because you can and now you don't feel like getting out of bed to keep your promise to me. Nice, its childhood all over again. They say history repeats itself and well I guess its true. You know what I'm capable of and you know I need the help especially with the move coming up and yet it doesn't phase you one bit to cancel on me.

I guess I should feel lucky that I at least got a phone call this time instead of being stood up like I used to be as a kid. I wish I could sit down one day and tell you how I really feel about my childhood but I know that will never happen. You see, I was taught to be nice and not say something that may hurt someone else and I know that if I were to ever let loose you would play the victim and I would feel bad and there goes the guilt trip once again. See you always made it my fault or someone else's for you not being there for me and I guess that helped you get through life who really knows. In reality it WAS NOT my fault nor anyone else's but YOUR OWN. You chose other things before me, your choice NOT mine.

Thank you for putting me back in my place and reminding me how little I can depend on anyone especially women. No wonder I have issues.

Fall

My favorite time of year! It has been for as long as I can remember and there isn't one thing over the other that makes it that way I guess, just everything combined. The changing colors( I would LOVE to go on a color tour one day either in the UP or over in Maine), the cooler weather, not to hot and not to cold just perfect for jeans and a sweatshirt, school starts(yeah I know weird but I always did love the start of a new school year for some odd reason), new shows begin, the start of holidays with family I really just love this time of year.

New shows starting means more family time, odd I know but it happens that way around here. From Tuesday to Thursday Mike and I have at least one show that we watch nightly and I find that very calming. It's nice to sit on the couch with my husband and kids and just be together for the time being. Not much of that happens around here, usually we are at our computers and the kids are playing or I'm watching tv with the kids or he is playing a game with the kids we just hardly ever spend anytime together in one area enjoying each other.

Soon enough our lives will be turned upside down with the welcoming of our daughter and while none of us can wait and of course we love her for now I like enjoying my family as it is. We will never get these moments back and life is forever changing and moving ahead so I try very hard to cherish the small moments now no matter how meaningless they might seem at the time. In the end they will mean everything to me.

Just a short diversion~I took this photo yesterday as Kaleb and Mike watched the rain pour down. Kaleb found a new favroite past time, which is exactly as you see it. Getting daddy on the floor and watching the rain. All I could think of was "Precious" a moment we will never get back.

26

Thats how old I am today well at 11:58 pm that is. Isn't it funny how when we are kids our birthdays are made a big deal out of and as we get older it seems the only "big" ones are 21 and 40. Why is that? For the past 5 years I've either been pregnant, just lost one, or just had one so there has been no big bash for me LOL. My 21st birthday was celebrated by my dad and my stepmom taking my husband and I out for drinks and ended with me asking to go home because I was in pain from my D&C, my 22nd was celebrated with a baby who was a month and a half old and my husband and I got to go to dinner and I was spoiled that year, I'll admit it. Since then its been a card and a call from the parents "oh by the way happy birthday, how old are you again?" Umm thanks and its nice to know that you almost forgot and you DID forget how old I was. I'm sure some day I'll be in the same position but can I just say now that it doesn't feel all that great.

There isn't much to do when your supposed to be on bedrest I guess, but at some point I think everyone wants to be remembered and celebrated that they make a difference in someone's life right? I really hope that I don't turn into my parents and forget my childrens birthdays and get out of the habit of making them feel special, after all their birth is more of a celebration to me then it is to them.

So for everyone that might read this who's birthday was today or any day for that matter where you felt unimportant I'm sorry its not a good feeling and I'm sure people don't do it on purpose. You are special to someone even if they don't know it yet, so keep your head up and be proud that you were here to celebrate your birth if only by yourself.

Hard Times

Everyone has hard times and some have it worse then others. As I type this I'm reminded of a good friend of mine who is going through worse and has gone through worse and I think what am I complaining about? None the less we have hit some hard times here and quite frankly I'm just tired. I want to crawl into bed and drift off to a deep sleep to not wake until the times have passed, soultions have been found and everyone is happy again.

I feel as though everyone looks to me to "fix" the problems or provide answers and how many times can I say "I don't know" or "I can't fix this" before they get that I don't have the answers and I can't fix everything? I feel that as being a women in general people expect you to be able to always give answers and have soultions but women are only human themselves and can only handle so much before breaking.

Is that what God built us for? Did he build us to handle all the pressures of being a women and a mother along with a wife, friend, daughter, daughter in law, employee, aunt, cousin and sister? Are we ment to handle everyone elses problems and burdens and fix them, hold them and tend to them without us breaking in the process? I feel as though my plate is full and the ones that do need I can't be there for but yet feel used by others. How does this happen? How do we take care of oursleves and the ones we love without breaking? How can we be there for everyone we wish to be there for?

My problems seem small compared to a certin someone and for that I'm sorry, I'm sorry I can't be there for you like I want to and like I know you need me to. I don't know how to help even if I could be there for you. I hope you know I think of you all the time and while we may not talk that often I wish we would. I wish even through my issues that I could take half of your pain away that your feeling as a parent. Your a WONDERFUL mom and person and I hope you know and remind yourself of that from time to time.

Been Thinking

With the problems that Kaleb brought to me that have now entered their way into this pg with Ellie and then some Mike and I have been talking about Ellie being "our last". This is a VERY hard decision for me to make and quite honestly I'm still at the point where I refuse to tie my tubes because to me that is to final for being 26 and 27 yrs old. Mike has said and continues to say he is willing to get snipped but again to final for me right now.

On the other hand the econonmy is not getting any better, my health during the pg is not getting any better and at this point I feel like we are "complete". I've been thinking about other options as far as birthcontrol but well Ellie is a product of being on birthcontrol. I can't do anything for a while anyway considering I breastfeed and refuse to do anything else or take anything that would hinder that.

I feel "done" but I'm not ready to take those steps to make it final. Besides tieing the tubes seems to have side effects I don't really care to have either. If your "done" how did you know you were ready to take that step? I feel like since I have c-sections I'm pressured into "they are already in there just go ahead and do it" type thing and I just can't bring myself to. Weighing the options is very diffucult for me if you haven't noticed.

Just A Small Update

Seen my doc on tuesday, and have been put on bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy but I'm okay with that. As long as Ellie stays where she needs to stay until she is strong enough to be here and be okay thats what we will do. I have my family to thank for all the help they give me. Where I would be without them Lord only knows. My dad picks the boys up for me the three days a week they go to daycare(only lasts until next week) and drops them off and then brings them back to me, a HUGE help. My mom comes daily to help clean here and there, what ever needs to be done she does or helps with another HUGE help as I get anxiety when the house is "dirty". And my wonderful husband, he makes darn sure I do next to nothing and I'm so greatful for that. He really has stepped up and its such a blessing. He has a lot riding on his shoulders already but he has taken over what I normally do and can't.

The kids are happy to have me home for the most part but I think miss being able to do what as the please LOL. Momma came home and the fun ends, back to the everyday rules! All in all they still love me and are glad to be back to "normal" whatever that is.

I now see the doc every 2 weeks and will hopefully set up my section date on 9/2(my next appt.) Its hard to believe time is going so fast. We will be moving here pretty soon and I still need a lot of things to be ready for Ellie. How that is going to get done I have no clue but I have faith that it will some how all fall into place.

Slides That I've Been Working On

Kaleb's first year


Andre


Boys=Good Times

Home

There is no place like it and I'm glad I'm back! I'll post more when I get a min right now I'm off to lay on the couch with Andre and snuggle a bit.

Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts and beautiful, kind words. They mean more then you could ever imagine. I need to make it 10 more weeks and we will be good!

My Dear Andre

I know this week has been hard for you just like it has on everyone else, actually I know its been more hard on you being only 4 and not understanding fully why mommy is gone. You've done so well at having fun with your grandparents and dealing with me being gone but I know its taking a toll on you. I can hear in your voice now when I talk to you that your missing me and missing the "normalicy" of our life. Please honey bare with me for a bit longer and mommy will be home to cuddle you when your not feeling well and coax you through the hard times.

I love you so much and you've done so well for being put in the situation that your in. Being bounced from place to place has never been easy on you but your doing well and I promise I will do my best to make it up to you when I get home. Dry your tears, your daddy loves you too and know that I cry for you every night. Your such a good big brother!

Tomorrow

Providing my u/s comes back okay I will be FREE!!!!!! I'm so very excited, my IV was pulled today and I'm allowed to get up and walk around, infact encourged to do so. Thank you for all of your prayers and warm thoughts, they have brought me through a very rough time.

I know so many people go through so much more than I have and my heart goes out to them. The women I have met here are very strong to say the least, their stories very but they have one thing in common they are away from what they know as normal to provide the rest of their pregnancy with as much health as possible.

I'll update more tomorrow when I know, until then I need to rest, did you know you didn't get good sleep in the hospital?

Good News?

After talking to the doc this morning and my u/s it looks like they will be sending me home in the next day or so!!!!!!!! I'm so very happy and excited. There seems to be no tare and everything looks good, so I pray that Ellie stays good and we will be home soon.

I think just about everyone on this floor is having multiple births, I've meet two having triplets, one having two girls and a boy and one having two boys and a girl. I pray they have save births and healthy babies and I'm quite happy I'm not in their position.

Thank you Lord for listening to my prayers.

Please Lord Help Me Through This

As if this all weren't bad enough, Kaleb has a temp now of 101.7. I can't deal with this, I have faith in my husband and parnets to take good care of him but I'm not there. I only hear second hand and I'm not there holding him. I hear him cying on the phone to be cuddled and loved and I can't be there.

Lord help me through this. Lord please watch over Kaleb and let him be okay, please Lord let this pass quickly and let there be no other issues. Lord I'm scared and I need you now, I need you to be with me and my family and only you have that ability. Please bring me comfort and peace with everything going on. Help me let go and allow others to step in and help me. Please hold us close Lord.

Never Long Enough

So being here in the hospital makes me miss the things I complained about from day to day. Doing laundry, making dinner, changing diapers, putting the kids to bed and just the everyday grind. Call me crazy but being so far away from my family and everyone I know makes me homesick to do all of the above.

My mom and stepdad brought my kids to see me for a few hours today and its just not long enough. Kaleb was so tired and ready to go home when they left and all I wanted to do was hold him, rock him and let him sleep on me. I just wanted to feel him in my arms and know that I'm still Mom and that I still have the ability and the touch to do that. I'm scared to death that by the time this is over he won't know me as mom and won't need me, he will need someone but it won't be me. It's a very hard thing to think about and deal with.

Andre really couldn't care less anyway. He is pretty independent as it is but he at least still knows I'm mommy and I know he still loves me.

My dad and stepmom came up also it was a short visit. Not really much to talk about on my end I guess but I like having the company. I know that with the way gas prices are I won't see anyone now for at least a few days. I hate that. I hate the thought of something going wrong and being here by myself to deliver her so young.

While some say this is a vacation it's so not to me. Everything is out of my control, not that we as humans have much control anyway, that is God's work but not having my kids and not being a mother and taking care of my responsibilities is hard. Yes my responsibility right now is to Ellie and keeping her safe as possible for as long as possible but its hard to see that.

They will be sending me for another u/s since I had some more pain last night. My incision is painful right now but I did have company today so my best guess is that its from that. I wish I could go walk around but I don't want to push my luck.

Well I'm off for my luxury shower *smile* I shall keep you all updated as much as possible.

Thank God she has stayed in this long and pray for a few more weeks with some strength for me.

Ellie and I

Ellie and I are in a hosptial in Kalamazoo about an hour and a half from home. We have been hospitalized since wednesday. I felt like my old section was ripping open, saw my doc on the floor while working and he sent me to get checked out right then and there. As of right now there are NO abruptions that they can see on u/s and before today I had a tare some where cause my blood came back positive for fetal cells. Just this morning it was negitive YAY!!!!!!!! but they informed me they are keeping me for "awhile" what ever that means. It's been quite the emotional roller coaster the last few days being away from the kids and not knowing what was going on with Ellie. At this point every day counts. They are giving me a steriod to mature her lungs, just had my second shot today. I'm praying that it won't be needed and she will stay put till term but its in Gods hands now.

Randomness

• I want you to accept me.
• I want you to love me AND my kids
• Why does life work like this?
• I don't trust you
• If it were up to me you wouldn't touch her
• I pray for help through this
• Why don't you fight for yourself?
• Advocate for YOURSELF
• We are supposed to be family but this is dysfunctional to say the least
• This is all I've ever known from family
• I wanted more for my kids
• I've bit my tongue so much its bleeding
• I've prayed for this
• This is supposed to be a happy time
• I feel lost and unheard
• I feel violated
• I'm sad that this is what your coming into
• I'm guilty for wanting the "perfect" family
• I don't know what else to do
• I feel like you have no time left for me
• Seriously, growing up sucks
• What I would give to give my children what I didn't have
• I've tried my hardest and yet the other half puts nothing forth
• I am who I am, love me, hate me, take me or leave me but DO NOT blame my kids
• I've been told this is not a battle worth fighting but it bothers me so much to not have answers
• I'm scared of everything going wrong
• All I want is to be LOVED
• Why do I search so hard for this?
• Why can't I let it go?
• I pray and I still feel like this, what am I missing?
• Yeah I have issues but so does everyone else
• I'm only human
• Why are some more important then others?
• Why is there always attitude?
• There are times when I am jealous
• My kids are everything to me
• I love their innocence
• They are beautiful to me
• I'm struggling

A+ Care For Our Hospital............Yeah Right

Once again our hospital has given less then steller care. July 19th I went to L&D because of horrible pains coming every 15 min for over an hour and a half. I did everything I could NOT to go in because I knew I would be treated like crap, always have been why would this time be any different?

I was right, they kept me for exactly and hour, treated me like I didn't know what I was talking about managed to get a urine sample and send it because "obviously I was dehydrated". Ellie wouldn't stop moving which irrtated the nurse since she actually had to stand there and try to find her. I know what a pain in the ass right? So as soon as the hour was up, I was released, told yep I was dehydrated and given a lecture about drinking water like I was a child. Nothing was ever said about my urine.

Two days later, I spoke to my doc and we was less the thrilled with L&D but what can he do now? Took another urine sample like usual at appts, things were worked out and on my way I went.

Fast forward to today, phone rings and its my doc office saying when I was there last week they noticed after the tests come back that I have a UTI and she would like to call in a script for me. Oh really? Well okay here is my info I'll pick it up in a bit.

Can someone please tell me why when I was there at the hospital this was not caught, and why over a week later I'm dealing with pain that I think is just normal pregnancy pain and trying to suck it up since I don't want to be a pain in the ass, but it is actually more? I mean seriously I've had more then my share of UTI'S and this did not feel like one but when a patient comes in at 24 weeks saying she thinks she is having some sort of contractions and you take a urine sample why the heck wouldn't you keep her there until your sure nothing is going on? Why as patients are we scared to go to the hospital when thats where we are supposed to go to recieve good care and help but yet we get treated like we are a huge pain in the ass and we are interupting their social hour?

I've seen and been on both sides of the fence on this paticular floor and NEVER do I try to treat people like they are just bothersome. I treat them how I WANT to be treated and only wish that I was treated that way the few times that I actually do need to go in. Oh and let me say this is NOT all staff, this has been my experience with the night shift staff for as long as I've started having kids. The day shift seems to be much more helpful and welcoming and the postpartum I find to be the same way.

Look At My Baby Growing Up

Just had Andre's 4 yr pics taken today. Go take a look, he is such a camera ham.

Click Here To View

Well since so many people are having a hard time seeing them I'm going to post a few. Sorry about the confusion.

Just Another Day

These days seem to run the same anymore. Run my butt off and then fall into bed with exhaustion only to sleep like crap and do it all again the next day. The next month will be no different with moving and such, getting things ready for Ellie comes after that and well nothing has changed since the last time I posted about stuff with her LOL.

One day at a time, but they seem to come and go so quickly. Andre was in not so rare form today, I amaze myself at how calm I can keep because inside I'm boiling when he pulls the things he does. Anyway, he had his 4 yr check up today. Everything looks good with him, he is in the 90% for height and 40% for weight. Oh and WIC still tells me he is fat :rolls eyes: LOL. He weighs 38.6 lbs and is 42 inches tall. No wonder people think he is older then he really is.

He did get a shot today only because I'm a mean mom and opted for it. He could have waited a year for his second chicken pox shot but since he is starting school this sept I wanted to make sure I did everything in my power to keep him at least somewhat healthy especially with Kaleb in the house and a newborn. And he already needs shots next year to start Kindergarten so that is one less that he will have to have at that time. I only allow 3 pokes in one visit anyway.

Kaleb the stinker he is did pretty well today until he got tired and that was all she wrote. I can't complain though you give the kid a cup of milk and he is good to go for a little while longer.

Off to watch my show check back in tomorrow.

Tired

Seriously, I'm tired of doing it all myself. Yes I chose this as a mother but I never enlisted to do this on my own even though there are two adults in this household. I do this even when I'm sick and hurt and you don't blink and eye to help. I need help.

Now your sore and called into work so not only do I have to take care of the kids but you too and I'm just plain tired. Between the kids fighting and destroying things and you with your attitudes I want to just walk away and take some time for myself. Why do I have to do this by myself? This is one reason I didn't want to quit my job, I know what lies ahead of me.

I'm physically drained, sore and scared along with being emotionally tired, drained, and scared.

I feel I don't ask you for much, but you feel I ask the world of you. All I want is your time invested into your family like you care but asking that is asking to much. You want your cake and to eat it too and well I have a problem with that. Marriage is giving and taking, learning and growing. I feel like I give, learn and grow all on my own.

Please Lord give the the strength I need to get through this.

Today

I have to say that today, has been the BEST birthday we have had for him. His party isn't until this saturday but the day alone besides the actual day he was born has been the best, laid back full of love day that I could ask for and I really think he enjoyed just as much. My mom took Kaleb for the day which left Andre and I to do as we pleased. He played video games for a bit, then we went to luch at Subway(his choice) with my dad, he got a ball and glove from my dad that Andre and I played with for a while at home after lunch. We then played some WII together and then and some down time before daddy got home to take us to dinner and a movie. We ate at Wendy's(Andre's choice) for dinner in which he and I shared a Frosty and nuggets while daddy ate and then off to the movie we went.

He was so good today and it was so nice to share such a laid back day with him. After the movie we picked up Kaleb and headed to pick up his cupcakes that I ordered for him to take to school tomorrow. They give the kids animal names along with their real names at school in which they start with the same letter. So Andre is Andre Alligator, so I only seen fit that these were his cupcakes.

4 Years Ago Today

Mike walks in from working third shift and wakes me from one of the worst dreams of my life. The dream was that I delivered my beloved son by c-section, they had to put me under and I couldn't remember a thing that happened in the week to follow. I was 38 weeks pregnant with my precious son at the time and deathly affraid of having c-section.

The day to follow, little did I know was going to be a long one. We had lunch planned with my Mother-In-Law and then an OB check later that day. We were beyond excited, he had told us to ask about being induced this week and I fully intended on doing so.

Lunch went great, had steak and chatted with my Mother-In-Law. The conversation consisted of the "what ifs" such as "wouldn't it be funny for you to go in and him say your in labor", or "what if you delivered today". Ah yes the dreams we dream when being oh so pregnant and waiting impatiently for out little ones.

We left her house in time for the doc appt. Waited the longest time we have ever waited there in a hot room full of very pregnant women. I think the wait was about an hour. We are called back, weight and urine taken and up on bed I go. Blood pressure taken and then "Oh, lay on your left side until I come back and DO NOT get up before then". Oh okay, nice. Another 10 min roll by and back in she comes to check it again. "Oh thats a little better, the doctor will be in, in just a few min.". A knock at the door with a quick open and a big grin from a fimilar face "Hi Jess, your trying to scare us today I hear". "Hello, no I'm not but I feel fine".

Dr.Vendola does his thing, we hear the heartbeat, measurments and then a "check". "Hmm your 3 cm dialated!" And then I ask the dreaded question, "you said last week to ask you about induceing, is that still an option?" He checks my chart and measures me one more time, checks the chart again, looks at me and says "how does tomorrow sound?" As I tried to catch my breath I think I answered "okay". I needed to head over to the hospital to get a NST done to make sure our Little One was holding up okay and would do okay with labor, with those instructions we headed to the desk and got further instructions as to where to go and what to do for tomorrow.

As Mike and I walk out of the office I remember a silence, I think we were both trying to grasp that tomorrow was going to be "The Day". We stopped at a pay phone and called my dad to let him know what was going on then and that tomorrow would be The Day. He promptly came to the hospital right after that phone call, for what reason I don't know, but I'm sure gald he did.

Up on the L&D floor they hooked us up to the moniter, asked if I had eaten in the last hour or so and it dawned on me that it had been at least 4 hours since eating so they brought me in a nice and dry box sandwich to choke down. Andre hadn't moved to much that day and wasn't willing to wake up for the NST then either. Off they sent me for a Biophysical Profile Ultrasound, this neat u/s that scores the baby on 8different points. This poor tech tried everything in her power to get Andre to wake up and nothing worked. So back up to the floor we went and waited for the results. The nurse came back and made a passing comment about keeping us to be induced tonight while putting the moniters back on me. Oh okay we thought. As she leaves the room my dad is sitting at the foot of my bed watching the moniters and asks me if its normal that the heartbeat keeps dropping like that. I respond with I don't know and blow it off, I was a first time mom who didn't know any better what else was I supposed to say? In walks the nurse again to tell us that Andre had failed his u/s he scored 4/8 and they were going to do a c-section right now.

At that point everything was a whirl wind. The one nurse trying to get an IV poked me 6 times and finally got it, no sooner pulled it out and realized that she had forgotten a vile. I'm beyond tears at this point, the dream I had that morning came flooding back, all these people staring at me, preping me for something that I was scared to death of and no time to process it all and no explanation as to what was going on.

The nurse digging for blood made the comment "honey you can kick me if you want to", my dad promptly replied "I wouldn't tell her that right now if I were you". Mike was off getting preped himself, in goes the cath, in comes the on call doc asking if I had any questions. I did but I was bawling and I couldn't think straight. Off he went to get preped and up off the bed I went to walk into what I thought was the OR of death.

Up on the table I went, 3 different people moved me in 3 different positions trying to figure out what position would be best for the insertion of the needle. Finally the lovely doctor told them all to stop, put me where he wanted me, talked to me through the whole thing and then said DONE! My first thought was "that was it?" my second "thank God". I was happy to be lying down and not moving around on my cath anymore!

I remember asking if it was supposed to feel like I was paralized, they laughed and said "Yes", Oh okay I didn't know that was funny, but I'll roll with it. A few pulls, pushes and elephant sitting on my chest along with a quick feeling that I was going to be sick and there was the whimper. Thats all he gave, a small whimper not even the vit K shot got him to cry. At 10:22 pm Andre Alexander Graves entered the world weighing 6lbs 10oz and was 21in long with a 13 cm head. He had jet black hair and even though all babies are born with blue eyes we knew they were going to be dark.

In recovery I was joined with Mike holding Andre and per my request Andre had not had a bottle or a paci I wanted him to breast ASAP and that he did. He was a hungry little guy who attached with no issues. After he ate and family came in to meet him, they whisked him to transition and me to my room. I was told it could be a 4hr wait before he came back. That seemed like the longest 4 hrs ever. Just as I was calling for him they were wheeling him into me. Ahh we meet again, now what do we do with him LOL? You sit and stare and admire until he cries and then you tend to him to the best of your ability and knowledge.

What a blessing we recived 4 years ago today! There is only one person to thank for this and that would be God. Without a doubt this was all his doing.

Worst Mom Of The Year Award Goes To..........

Who else but ME! Not only has Kaleb been sick for about 8 straight months, had tubes put in his ears, now has a rash that has seemed to make a home on him but he also climbed over the gate to our stairs today and fell all the way down to the bottom of about 13 stairs.

I swear to you someone was there with him because he doesn't have a bruise, scratch, red mark NOTHING on him. Thank God that it was just a very scary moment in our lives and not something on going and serious.

As for me I feel like total, complete, and utter crap. How could I let this happen? We were so lucky with Andre that it didn't happen but Kaleb is the dare devil of the two and unfortunately it happened to him. I kept my composure until about 10 min afterward and then I lost it. He by then of course was over it and trying to make me laugh but all I could think of was how could I, and the possibilities of what could come out of it.

All I've got to say is Thank You God, Angels, and Loved Ones in Heaven for watching over him.

24 Weeks

So here we are, 24 weeks in and about 13 left to go if I make it to 38 weeks. Notice I say IF I make it. Honestly I'm scared to death at this point. My tail bone hurts, my pubic bone hurts and worst of all my section site hurts. Everything would be okay with me if my section site didn't hurt but the way I felt today was the way I felt the day I delivered Kaleb only then it felt 10 times worse and I had contractions along with it.

Yes I've noticed that each one of my kids comes earlier then the last and I'm praying that Ellie stays put until she is supposed to be here although I highly doubt it will be the case. I don't want a NICU stay with her, I want a "normal" delivery/ hospital stay and to be discharged with her along with me when I leave. I have to laugh at "normal" because none of my kids have ever let me have "normal" they all have to make their entrance to this world a production.

Up until this point I've been feeling pretty good with the regular aches and pains that pregnant women have but now I'm analyzing every little thing and while I try to relax it's easier said then done.

In other news, she is getting stronger by the day, just a few days ago when she kicked me there was no movement on the outside and sitting here today she kicked me and I watched as my belly took life. I have to say that I'm a fan of the stage before everyone else can feel them kick. Its our own personal bonding time, every time she kicked me or nudged me it was like she was saying "hi mom, I'm here". Now, though its nice that Mike and the kids can feel her I feel our time slipping away. It's the beginning of the end in a way. Once everyone can feel her and then when she is actually out side the womb everyone wants to hold her she will never be just mine anymore. Well such is life I guess. What a blessing it is just to have her.

Andre was talking to her last night, he would say "Ellie, wake up" since I told him she was sleeping and wouldn't you know it right after he said that she kicked me. The bonding begins between the two of them I can only imagine what they will cook up in years to come to plot against me!

So on that note, I'm off to bed. The boys will be up tomorrow early and since I'm up every two hours to pee that doesn't leave a whole lot of sleep time. I can't complain though Kaleb had me up every hour on the hour to pee when I was pregnant with him ;) Can't help but love them though, they are sure worth it...........on their good days*wink, wink*

Wow Slow The Roll

As I was counting in my head today I have roughly 15 weeks left until Miss Ellie joins us. As I said in the last post, we are NOT ready for her and while she isn't coming next week(God willing) these last 23 weeks have gone quite fast and I'm sure with everything coming up the next 15 will go even quicker. My goodness time flies!

Life is changing quickly and though I wasn't sure it was for the better at first I'm now convinced that it is for the BEST and even though change is not something I really look forward to, there is no way around it.

This summer seems to be going quickly, as fast as the new week comes it ends just as quick if not quicker. I miss the days as a child when the warm, sunny days seemed never ending. Picking veggies out of our garden, playing in the yard till well past dark(and my bedtime), running through the sprinkler and watching as the rain brought out the beautiful flowers. Gosh how I miss those long, lazy days.

Is there a way to just make them slow down anymore? I'm sure the answer is no but it is worth trying for me thats for sure. Before I know it we will be a family of 5, Kaleb will be turning 2 and then Andre will be 5. Someone push the slow mode button please!

So Much To Do

Gosh it seems like there is so much to do in such a short period of time. We will be moving the month of Sept and pakcing for that needs to take place then getting settled. Poor Ellie has two outfits yep thats it two outfits and lets face it two outfits will last a newborn a total of an hour maybe LOL. She is kind of being put on the back burner for now as I don't want to get a bunch of stuff and then have to move it and when we make the move Andre will be getting a bigger bed, Kaleb will move to the toddler bed and the crib will move to Ellie's room BUT we have to move first.

I feel like we are pushing the time limit here but all I can do is ride through it. Andre is turning 4 on the 21st of this month and we still have to buy his present(a bike) and still have to inform people where we are celebrating. Its just going to be a small family thing but we still need to get the cake and such.

Speaking of moving and Andre we have to paint his room too as the room he is moving into is PINK! Umm I'm thinking NO. Ack where are we going to find the time to do all of this and shop for Ellie? Goodness!

Time To Move On

As much as I don't want to, it is that time to walk out of the door that is closing and walk into the next one that opens. It is hard, leaving the people that I've come to know, love, lean on, cherish, and adore but everything has it's time and now it's mine.

Thank you to those who have blessed my life, I've learned and grown so much in the last 3 yrs it truly has been a blessing. A blessing that will never be forgotten. I know I will keep in touch with some of you and for that I'm thankful.

The support and the love that I have felt has been wonderful especially in the hardest of my times. I never expected it to end like this in a million years but for one reason or another it has and I'm positive there is a lesson behind it.......there always is.

So with having said that, thank you all again it's been three years that will never be forgotten. WARM HUGS!!!!!!!!!!

Reason, Season, Lifetime

By: Brian A. "Drew" Chalker

People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason,you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilleed; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life.....

There Is A Reason For Everything

I truly believe this with my whole heart but there are times like now when I have a very hard time following it. Things are just not happening the way I thought they would or how I was told they would and I know there is someone who has a higher hand in this but timing is everything. That timing is off and I'm scared to death that things will not be in place when it needs to be.

For as long as I can remember I've worried about things and I've never had much patients but that is just who I am. Though I try very hard not to worry and to have patients it usually never works to my favor.

So as I sit here worrying about everything in my future and being impatient, I'm trying to hand everything over to "The Higher Power" so that I can be free from these burdens and be able to let happen what ever needs to happen.

Almost Half Way Done

I can't believe it, this pregnancy is almost half way done already, where did the time go? Can't wait to meet Ellie but I've learned from the other two she can stay put as long as she needs to as much as I want to meet her, I'm in no hurry! Besides that gives Kaleb a bit more time as well to still be the baby.

It's hard looking at him with his still babyish face and knowing he won't be the baby much longer. He still loves his momma time and can't stand when someone gets in the way of that. I hate to take that away from him too since I'll admit I still need my Kaleb cuddle time.

Andre is adjusting well to Kaleb and will be in school for the most part of Ellie's new days so I don't foresee much of an issue with him and he still gets his special time before bed with both daddy and I.

It's hard to imagine adding another one to the mix right now even though it's already happening especially with it being a girl, my gosh what do I do with a girl? The boys seem so easy, cut and dry and having a girl scares me. I've heard some scary stories from those who have both and I just pray that Ellie is milid compared to some of the things I've heard LOL. I'm sure we will be fine and we will navigate our way with her just like we have the boys but never the less the unknown is still scary.

I've Been Tagged

Thanks Shirley



1. .What were you doing 10 years ago? I was in my sophmore year of highschool and babysitting for a wonderful family. Isn't it bad that I wasn't doing anything else LOL.



2. What 5 things are on your to-do list for today? Take the kids to daycare, go to work, pick kids up, come home and lay them down for naps, check my oh so loved fourms!


3. Snacks you enjoy? ice cream, Dove chocolate bars, cookies on occasion


4. Places you have lived? Hmmm big mover here! Leslie Mi, Big Rapids Mi, Jackson Mi, LOL.



5. what are 5 things you would do if you were a billionaire? Bills paid off, vacation, house, cars and bank it!

Tagging
Zoe "I've Come Undone"
Becky "Parenting with whine"

And So The Family Grows

So the results are in, the new addition to the family will be a baby girl named Ellen Jean and we will call her Ellie! We are very excited but nervous at the same time. We know what to do with little boys now what do we do with little girls? Guess we will find out in the weeks to come!

Spices That Have Seasoned My Life

Isn't it amazing the many different people that pass through our lives in the short amount to time that we are here on this earth. I find myself amazed at the different stages of my life and the people that come with it. Some have stayed for the whole thing and some and come and gone when the time is right.

I'm thankful for each and every one of those people who have passed through. Though the situation may not have been good they were still here for a reason and taught me something about myself and life in general.

I love each and every person who is in my life at this time. They all are wonderful to me in all different ways. I love that I get to see many on a weekly basis and most I talk to at least weekly if not daily.

What a journey this thing called life is and what makes the journey sweet are the people that throw thier different spices in.

Best Friends

I could not ask for anything more from my two boys. I thank God daily that when I prayed for a girl while pregnant with Kaleb he did not answer those prayers. These two are the best of friends. Andre says on a daily basis "Kaleb you are my bestfriend". Seriously is there anything better? Not in my book.

Andre begs for me to get Kaleb down from the highchair so that "he can come play with me in my room". "Come on Kaleb lets go play in my room". Not long after that I hear outbursts of child laughter. The kind of laughter where you as a mom sit and just listen for a moment and take it all in.

Of course there are always those small moments where one or the other wants to be left alone and they get snippy with each other but when those moments pass they are back to being buddies and hard a play.

Andre can make Kaleb laugh like no other. To watch them interact with each other amazes me. The things that Andre teaches Kaleb is never ending and what Kaleb picks up from Andre is unbeliveable.

As I type this I'm listening to Andre sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to Kaleb and I'm sure that Kaleb is looking at him with those huge blue eyes and dancing away, loving every min of his brother singing to him as he has done since we brought him home.

Rambles and Prayers Needed

Well week 17 has come and the doc appt went well this week. I'm back to seeing him once a month from now on. Thankfully no more bleeding. Our u/s is June 10th I can't wait!

Kaleb is in need of prayers for this next tuesday the 3rd. He will be going in to have tubes placed in his ears and though its a minor surgery that takes all of 15min he still has to be put under for this and that scares the hell out of me to be quite honest.

This weekend turned out to be a pretty good weekend. Got to spend some time with family which is always nice. I got really burned being out in the sun for 2 hrs on sunday which I regret. I now have water blisters on the spots that got hit the worst. Monday I ended up in ER for a migraine, they think I got to dehydrated on sunday even though I drank A LOT! Hopefully that won't be happening any more. I would much perfer not to go to ER if possible.

Well I'm off to get some cleaning done.

I Miss You

I just want to say that I'm so happy that your happy but I sure miss you. I'm gald you found someone who takes you for who you are along with the many other things in your life but again I sure miss you.

Time Moving To Quickly

So, tomorrow will be 16wks. Where has the time gone? I'm very happy to say its going quickly and even happier to say that there has been no more bleeding! All has been peacefully normal here where ever "normal" is for us.

I enrolled Andre in school today for the fall. I really thought I was ready for this and was happy about him being gone part-time but when I walked in the school it was very bitter sweet. I dread September with the open house as I'm sure it will hit me even harder then. My baby, my first born who I spent many nights consoling and many days enjoying is growing quickly, to quickly for my taste at this point. He has taught me so much about myself and about life. He has given me so much joy with his hugs, kiss and "I love yous". His smile can light the darkest of nights and his laughter heals me in the hardest of times.

I love all of my kids but I have to admit that I miss the times we shared just him and I. They are few and far between now and it will only get worse from this point on as he grows up and realizes that mom really isn't all that cool.

So as the school year nears I'll be sending one off to preschool only to gain another precious child just a few short months after. What will I do with my life when they are all in school? Goodness I may just have to take up scrap booking with Zoe to keep my hands occupied ;)

Off to bed I go, its late and Lord knows sleep is a must though the truth is I'm not sure what a full 8hrs of sleep is anymore. Do people actually still get that?

A Lot Of Family Pain

There are many days and nights where I've sat and cried trying to understand why you don't love my kids like you love your other grandkids. Why did you and Andre used to be so close and now you don't even ask about him? This hurts on so many levels, my kids will one day ask why you love so and so over them and then what do I tell them?

My hurt of this stems from my own past and I guess maybe thats why I obsess over it so much because I know the pain I went through and I would do anything in my power to not let my kids feel that and yet I'm failing. I sit here and try to justify that "they" need you more but yet it still doesn't justify why you don't make time for my kids. You have a three day weekend most weekends and yet you haven't asked to even take my kids for a few hours let alone over night in I don't know how long.

Kaleb doesn't really know you and that kills me but yet it doesn't seem to bother you. He won't hardly allow my dad to walk out the door but you could walk on by and he wouldn't make a peep. Doesn't that hurt?

They see my family more because my dad asks for them, my dad acts like he can't breathe without my kids and yet I'm sure it doesn't bother you at all that they live just fine without you.

Why does it seem like my kids are the "problem" kids and yet they are very well behaved? I don't understand and I've asked you many time but you won't actually answer my questions. I've tried to bring them over knowing you had the day off and you acted like you didn't want to deal with us.

I'm told that you are the one that will suffer but it's not just you, it's my kids that suffer the pain too and then I feel it. Yeah you've missed so much of them and you will continue to miss so much, at some point I think it will bother you but it's my kids that ask "why mommy".

I've racked my brain trying to figure out if its something I've done but in all honesty it should have nothing to do with me. These are your grandkids and you should love them just the same as you love your other grandkids.

It kills me that when Andre was Kaleb's age he knew you more then he knew anyone. You were his world and now it is beyond different.

You set up a vacation at the end of Feb and couldn't understand why I would be upset about it. How could you care so less about a grandkid that you forget his birthday? So you checked your plans for the trip and "luckily enough" your leaving the day after his birthday. Well thank you Lord for that small blessing, since you weren't to concerned about it.

I just don't understand. How do you love one set over another?

I have a very good friend of mine offering to throw me a "sprinkle" for this precious baby coming and yet I'm hesitent because I want you to be there and be happy about this baby and I know even if you do come you won't be happy.

I've watched my SIL give birth twice and you were sooooo happy for her and so loving to her children and yet it feels like "it's just another kid for us". Maybe because I give birth different I don't know but I sure don't see the tears and the joy for my kids. I was there for her because she asked me to be but both times were VERY hard on me with the second being the hardest for so many reasons you could never understand.

I can't tell you how much it ment to me the day you spent with me when Kaleb was in the hospital and I think to that day and I kick myself because I never asked you to hold him. My dad and my grandma both came in and held him while you watched and you never asked, I guess thinking if I wanted you to hold him I would ask you to. I wanted you to hold him, my mind was so fried in that time I just didn't think about it and I can't tell you how sorry I am.

I just wish you would help me understand.

Week 15

Wow time seems to be flying, must be having fun huh? Umm not so much but I make do with what I've got.

Doc appt today, went well babies heartrate was 164 bpm. Got a few good laughs out of my Doc today as I tend to make jokes when I'm nervous. I told him I was praying that this baby isn't going to be as big as Kaleb and he responded with "well they usually get bigger as they go". I told him that I had seen many moms on the floor with many children and sometimes their last baby seems to be the smallest so I was banking on that LOL. He responds with "it depends on eating and smoking durring pregnancy", I said in that case I'm screwed as I LOVE to eat and I don't smoke. I thought he was going to pee his pants he laughed so hard. I must have caught him off guard.

On to other news, next appt in two weeks and on June 10th we go for our ultrasound. Can't wait. I'm betting it's a girl as is almost everyone else but I don't know if we'll find out as I left that up to my dear husband who I'm sure is just dying to torture me through this pregnancy LOL. If he chooses not to find out I'll just sick Zoe on him and see how he does then ;) Better yet I should just bring her to the u/s LOL.

In other news, God is good! Kaleb and Andre have not been sick for almost 4 weeks now! Kaleb is on meds still as his EI came back but we are to see the ENT the 30th to talk of tubes. I'm all for it, if its going to make him better and in less pain my baby sure deserves that.

Kaleb amazes me everyday with the things he says. His vocab is soaring and honestly I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It is cute for now so I'll take it but I'm more then certin I'll be wishing he didn't talk so much at some point!

He also got his first hair cut yesterday. *cry* My baby looks like a little boy now. I'll have to resize some pics and get them up for you.

Andre is turning into quite the little man. He phrases things in the cutest way(I'm mom so I can say and think that ;) ) He told me yesterday as he was grabbing his blue carebear "B" and hugging him, "Mom I sure do love my B". Awwww what a little man!

He will be starting school in the fall, hard to believe but it is happening. Hard to believe that he will be 4 this year. Goodness where did the time go? I can still remember my hospital stay with him when he was born, and his cute little curls on the top of his head before I allowed his hair to be cut. My little Peanut is turning into a handsome, smart, sweet, loving, sly little man!

Well off to bed, I'm exhusted. Sleeping doesn't go well anymore as peeing is more important.

Naming Children

Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't my husband and I have the same taste in names? If it were up to him our kids would have the same names as everyone else in America and if it were up to me their names would hardly be heard of. I try very hard to comprimise and yet I get nowhere. The first and middle names have to flow right or it just doesn't work for me and he couldn't care less. You can't just throw any thing together, sorry not happening.

Of course his family would be quiet happy if I allowed him to name our kids since they had a fit with Andre. My names are to out there for them or should I say "worldly".

Oh well, what I say doesn't matter any more and I don't know why I'm worried about it it's up to him if we find out the sex at the u/s so that means we probably won't since he didn't want to know with either of the boys. Guess we will be one of those parents who don't have names and spend days with a nameless child.

Frustrated

Would someone like to explain to me why I'm the one that gets called into work to fix the problems at hand and yet I'm not paid for it? I realize that my company is supposed to provide a service to the moms but sometimes life happens and its really no ones fault and yet people are angry and expect you to fix it. Well I'm not in charge of the hospital, I'm home on bedrest for the health of my baby and I'm not willing to put that on the line. I did as I was supposed to do and yet I'm still getting called by my boss to fix the problem. It's NOT my problem at this point and I'm sorry everyone is pissed off but I'm not the only person who works at that hospital or for that company.

I'm sure people are sitting around thinking I'm slacking or whatever but I assure you this is no fun for me either. I would much rather do my job and do for my family but at this point keeping the placenta where it is, is a bit more important to me.

Updates

Lets try this one more time since the 14 month old just deleted the three paragraphs I already had. Updates on the last few weeks to follow. Yes I've been slacking *blush*.

Just a note. Yes I'm pregnant again if you don't have anything nice to say about do me and yourself a favor and keep your mouth closed. I'm tired of the shocked responses and the tones of "don't you have enough kids or didn't you just have one". What can I say life happens, birth control isn't 100% and if your not raising them or paying for them why do you care?

Moving on........

Doc appt today proved to me that I'm much more attached to this baby than I guess I had realized. He spent 10 mins trying to find a heartbeat with no luck and after trying to calm my fears with "maybe your not as far along as we thought you were" I calmly replyied "I don't believe you" he decided to calm my fears with a u/s showing me that my precious baby was growing right on target and hiding behind my quite full bladder.



Besides migraines I've been feeling quite well so no compliants there. I was quite suprised to see an acutal baby on the u/s today, they sure grow a lot between 7wks and 13wks thats for sure.

The boys are still sick, both on meds and both on breathing treatments but I'm praying they get better soon and stay that way. Momma needs a mental break from measuring meds and wiping noses!

Andre got into his first war at school today, a kid bit him on the back and scratched his cheek. I'm NOT happy about this but kids will be kids and boys will be boys I guess.

Off to make dinner since the husband is incapable or so it seems *rolls eyes* .

Wits End

As a mother I'm lost, fed up, tired and frustrated. These kids have not gone a week since Christmas from one or the other being sick. I can't do this anymore and the only end I seein sight would be for me to stop working and stay home with them full time. As much as I would love to do that I don't know if we can swing it. Where there is a will there is a way I know, I know.

I want to bang my head on the wall when the signs show that either of them are feeling under the weather. Not to mention that I'm not feeling well myself but no time for me only time for the kids. What am I do wrong? Is there anything that would help them get better and STAY better? Please someone tell me there is hope!

Subchronic Bleed

I was hoping to get through this pregnancy without complications but thats a no go. Spent a few hours in the hospital yesterday morning and though baby is doing great they spotted a subchronic bleed. So far from what I have read it can go away in a few weeks and I may be on bedrest until then depending on what my Dr says.

Not quite sure how I'm going to do bedrest with small children but if need be I'll find a way. Off to go lay down now.

The Days Pass

It seems so wrong to continue on without you. I know that life will continue and I know your here but I haven't figured out that its okay to allow joy back in. I miss you so and it seems so wrong to enjoy anything while I'm hurting for you.

The memories are what I have left and I pray to God that thoes will never fade and years from now I can recite your stories to my children as if you were right there telling me those same stories all over again. You know the ones I always asked you to tell me when it was just you and I on spring break? Those are so special to me and those times mean so much to me.

Having you there to raise me ment so much, you love, your words, your hugs, your time and best of all your beautiful smile; the smile you gave me as we spoke for the last time on the 3rd floor of the hospital. I kept telling you how good it was to be able to talk with you again and hear your quiet voice. It was a very short visit due to Andre being sick and I'm so sorry for that. I wanted so bad to be able to sit and talk with you more.

I'm sorry I never told you how I felt before. There were many times when I thought to myself I should tell you how much you ment to me but the words never came out right. What I would give to have you before me for just enough time to tell you. In God's time that will happen I know and until then I hope your listening every night before I go to bed.

I hope your journey was short and you were able to walk with Him and enjoy Him for as much time as you needed. You deserve to be with the Lord, your an Angel now but you sure were and Angel here on earth thats for sure. I love you.

Fly~Celine Dion

At 8:00 am my beautiful Grandma took her last breath. Quietly she slipped away before our eyes into the heavens above. Happy, safe and pain free she can now enjoy the rest of her life in her mansion with my Grandpa. I love you Grandma, I know that your holding my two little ones now that we never got to meet. Hold them tight for me and enjoy them.




Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

Dear Grandma

I pray you go in peace, and see all those waiting for you that love you. I don't know who you were talking about being in the room with you that was "watching over you" but I like to think that's the Angel waiting to take you Home. As we sat with you today all three of us smelled smoke and we all agree that Grandpa is there with us waiting for you to let go and come with him.

You are a beautiful person with a wonderful heart. You have given so much of yourself that you are and Angel on earth. You may not have birthed me but you were my mother be every other meaning. You made me feel special when my own mother made me feel like I was nothing.

Thank you for teaching me to tie my shoes and sitting with my watching the cars go by waiting for dad to come home. Thank you for keeping me every spring break and come up early to see my dance recitals and leaving late to stay for my birthday. Thank you for picking flowers and veggies with me out of the garden and allowing me to eat them as soon as I picked them. Thank you for making mud pies with me and swinging on the swing set and walking on the beach looking for shells and sand dollars. I'll never forget the amount of money you could find in the parking lot or the firm but loving voice you used when I needed it. The candy and gum you used to keep in your purse always seemed like it was there just for me.

You have played a HUGE part in my life and for that I will always be grateful. You cried with me when I lost my first child as though you were losing it too. I never told you how much that meant to me. The first maternity shirt, the baby blanket, the photo album and the crib are all things that a price can't be put on for the fact that you bought them and you accepted me when it felt like the world was against me.

I love you and I know that you will be with me through the rest of my journey, though it will be different I will still turn to you when I need you the most. Thank you so much.

Pictures of saturday

Enjoying the beautiful weather!

Wow how blessed have we been with this absoultly beautiful weather these last two days! As soon as it gets a bit warmer the kids and I will be back outside soaking up the sun. I have some pics of the kids yesterday at the park that I'll post at the end of this blog. They had a blast in the sun and grass(that needs to be a bit greener ;) )

The day was perfect yesterday. Family pics in the morning and then home for a much needed nap on all of our parts(only two made it) then it was off to the park. Mike, I and the kids must have had the same idea as the rest of Jackson because it sure was packed at Cascades. We found our own little peice of paradice, kicked around a ball, threw a football and blew some bubbles.

After the park we stopped at DQ and got a tasty treat, headed home, tooks some much needed baths and off to bed without a peep from them until 7 this morning! Just how I like it.

Photobucket is being pissy today so I'll get the pics up asap.

A Path

I'm trying to find a path for myself and I seem to stumble quite a bit. I've noticed that life is/has been a long winding path with bumps, stumbles, boulders, forks and dips and though I thought I was doing well I seemed to have stumbled again.

I pray, for my friends, family, those that I don't even know and those that may come into my life and myself. I do believe that through rough times or times of stumbling prayer and faith will get you through to the better, brighter times. Though life seems to be going okay for the most part I always seem to falter in the friendship area and this is something I've never been able to figure out. I have wonderful friends, friends that have been there for me through thick and thin. Friends that have been there for me through the thick of 25 years, but I feel as though I falter. I would love to be close with more people, I would love to see the friends for dinner on a regular basis and yet I stumble.

I've always been the person who makes her friends her family since I don't really have any siblings and yet I feel as though I don't even have time for family anymore. I guess that most of that is falter on my part for not making the effort but I'm truly bothered by this.

This path has been long, heavy traveled, tiring, winding, confusing and yet wonderful at times. I will continue to pray about this, I'm just tired.

Grandma

We almost lost her today. She is hanging on, but she is tired, she is scared to close her eyes for fear she won't wake again. I hate this, I wish she wasn't afraid to go Home. I pray that God gives her the strength and courage to be ready to go Home. She has lost so much weight, and is so weak. The hospital is no place to live the rest of your life, she would be so much happier Home with Grandpa.

Please pray for her.

Thinking of Kathy

So here are some pics of the boys over the past few weeks. Enjoy

Week 9

Hm well the weeks sure have seem to move along, I know I missed last week but well it just wasn't a good week. Morning sickness is off and on and when its on it sure is on. As you seen in the last few posts the u/s went well, the beautiful heartbeat showed up plain as day. I think the big sigh I let out went at the same time as Mike's did. He was a bit disapointed as he was hoping for twins but I'm thankful LOL. After the pg I had with Kaleb I'm hoping for an easy one this time around.



Speaking of Kaleb, this poor guy can't catch a break in the sickness area. He started with the 24 hr flu and now he is sneezing with a temp at night of 103. During the day he seems to be full of spirits once the fever breaks but until then he is cuddly and sleepy. Hopefully it passes soon, and as the weather gets warmer I pray the bugs find there way out.

Lock Down

New rule in my house, come November my house will be on lock down. No one will come in without being sterilized and no kids will go out unless it is absolutely necessary! My kids are sick yet again, along with Mike and I'm coming down with it not to mention the migraines I've had since Thursday night.

I'm so sick of this, I'm ready to lose my mind.